This year I suggested to my husband that maybe it was time for her to spend Christmas with our family. He agreed.

How did SD want to spend the holiday? Was she given a say in the matter? What was the original plan? If she was expecting to go to her grandparents' house - where she wanted to go - and you pulled the rug out from under her so she could spend the day with her (presumably) toddler brother and your parents, it is not surprising at all that she acted out.

Honestly, to me, it sounds like you need therapy to understand what life with a teenager is like, and that you seem intent on ramping up the punishments until you break her is disturbing. She was rude, and you've grounded her and taken away her Christmas presents and her phone, and now you want to continue punishing her by forcing her to spend time with you? When that doesn't work you want to just shove her out the door to her grandparents' house? This is the end of any attempt at a relationship with her, and you don't know if your marriage will survive? I'm sorry, but you need to calm down.