I’m lactose intolerant and when I was in Germany visiting my sister I ate a lot of gelato, cheese, and chocolate (it’s just so good there).

Well we were at my sister’s church for Tuesday bible study and we’re all standing in a circle praying, and my stomach gets the worst gas pain I’ve ever felt. But I couldn’t go to the bathroom because we were outside and praying. And then we were done but they locked up the church, so I had to get in the car. Germany doesn’t really have public bathrooms, and we weren’t near a city at all anyways.

So I had to wait the whole 30 minute drive back to my sister’s house while feeling like my intestines were about to explode.

Then we get to the house, and I have to wait for my sister to get all her kids out of the car and then find her keys. In Germany, a lot of houses don’t have door handles on the outside. It’s just a keyhole. And I couldn’t open the door, because the way the key worked was very tricky.

So at this point it’s been like 40 minutes and I’m dying.

Finally we get the door open, and I rush to the upstairs bathroom because my sister had to wash her youngest’s cloth diapers (washing machines are in the bathroom). Going up the stairs hurt so bad. I could barely move.

Finally I get to the bathroom. Have you ever had a poop so intense that you had to strip off all of your clothes? If not, you’re lucky. It was awful. So there I am—naked and losing every bit of food I’d eaten in the last 48 hours—when my nephew throws the door open.

That’s when I remembered that their upstairs bathroom didn’t lock.

He screams. I scream. Then he shuts the door and runs away.

Ten minutes later, it’s all over and I emerge feeling like a whole new person. I come downstairs and my nephew is telling everyone about how I poop naked.

I got teased about that for a few days until we moved on to teasing my niece who had drawn on the AirBnB’s white couch with permanent marker while we were in Paris.