This is a very long reply; I'm sorry in advance.
Queer is a slur, yes. It has also been reclaimed for decades. It is the word that has been used as an umbrella term for decades. I think that people who hate the word queer but not the word gay have a sense of disconnect, because gay has been used the same way.
Queer isn't just something reclaimed. It's a useful word for describing who someone is. What if you don't fit strictly as a lesbian, or as a gay man, or as bisexual, or as a transgender person? You're queer. What if you're genderfucky, but you don't really know what you are? You're queer. What if you like men most times, but lately you've been thinking about girls? You don't want to use the term bisexual, not until you know it's something real, but you think about the word "queer". What if you don't even like labels? The most useful identity for you is "queer". What if your preferences and identity are fluid because of who you are or because of neurodivergencies? "Queer" is the only identity that remains correct. What if your identity is full of microlabels? Sometimes you just say "I'm queer" instead of explaining everything that you are.
I will stop using it for the rest of this reply, though.
Also: this sounds funny considering what I just said, but "same gender/sex attraction" is used as a term in conversion therapy. If you google it, just "same sex attraction", the first page that comes up is church sites and questions like "how do you recover from same sex attraction?"
The difference is that this terminology has only begun to be used within the past 2 years, IIRC, on social media in retaliation to aro/ace identities as a way to exclude them. One of the main proponents actually started it because they were a lesbian interested in my nonbinary friend, and they had agreed to remain friends. My friend entered a QPR with a trans woman. The lesbian was passive aggressive. During a conversation about being ace, she said that only lesbians experience corrective rape. I shared my first story with her. She said that it was misogyny because I presented as a girl and there was nothing "corrective" about it. She said that my experiences as an aro/ace person would never compare to being kicked out of her house because her mom caught her having sex with her girlfriend. Shortly after that, aphobia became really rampant on Tumblr, with her repeating her claims that corrective rape only happens to lesbians and that aro/ace people don't experience anything due to our orientations but that we are all victims of misogyny or, in the case of dmab people, perpetrators of sexual violence.
Some people who are intersex do want to be in the community. And they are. I don't really care if you as an individual think that you don't belong on the basis of being intersex, but there are a lot of intersex people who are in the community. They suggested words for non-intersex individuals, the way that cisgender means non-trans; the most popular is perisex.
I don't think you know what the community consists of.
You mention being attracted to the same sex, but there are het trans people. But you also don't believe that nonbinary and intersex people belong. If you drop the "being attracted to the same sex", you would realize that everyone who belongs in the community are people who fit any of the following criteria: not heteroromantic, not heterosexual, not cisgender, not perisex.
That's it. That's the criteria for being in the community.
There are communities within--the gay community, the lesbian community--but the overarching "community" includes all of the above.
"Find your own community" sounds very ignorant because that's what everyone has had to do. Everyone. Gay people excluded lesbians. Some lesbians wanted to create an isolated lesbian utopia. Where are they now? Oh, yeah. In the community.
"Find your own community" also is an isolation tactic. I was very lucky that I met an abundance of ace people very early in life, but other ace people aren't so lucky. My friend from the earlier story in this comment had never encountered an ace person until they met me, when they were 18.
What was the community they were supposed to be finding when they didn't even know that asexuality was a thing?
Do you want people to feel broken? To feel that something is wrong with them? To feel that they are a disappointment? To try to push these unidentified feelings aside to be a good person, a good partner?
God, there are stories about people watching things with their parents, and asexuality is explained, and their parents cry because finally there's a word for them, finally there's a reason why they never enjoyed sex.
1/?