Thank you for your thoughtful reply. My friend was coincidentally also a 35 year old male. I knew he was upset over a few things in life, but I had no idea what measures he would take. We had both moved away to new cities a few months before he parted, and I felt as if I was a bad friend for those last few months - considering we spent every day together for the years before that. Since I was not with him, it took a bit of effort to piece together his last moments, but I know that he had dinner at one of his favorite restaurants and took a taxi from the restaurant to a forest and found a remote ravine and lethally injected himself. Just like you thought about your friend the moments before he stepped off of the ladder, I always think about the journey my friend took from the restaurant to the ravine. I've been wondering what was going on through his head, wondering how he definitely did not comprehend the magnitude of his decision, since I'm sure he wouldn't have done it if he knew how much he made myself and others around him hurt. I can't imagine the circumstances with your friend that led him to leave behind his new baby girl and step children. I can't imagine how different their lives, and yours, are today because of it. For me, one of the hardest parts of losing him is that, being he was my best friend, we would help each other get through all of our tribulations. If someone close to me were to have died, I would have found solace through him. When I was grieving, I never had the opportunity to connect with anyone to share my emotions. It just felt like a tailspin. I was in a new city and had just started a new job, and I have never mentally connected with anyone before, and currently, like I did with him. I also don't know what closure is. I've been hoping to meet someone these past four years who connected with me to the same level I connected with him, but it's been a very lonely 4 years without him. Even though I've made many new memories with other friends, it fails to yield the same fulfilling feeling I had with him. I haven't even touched on guilt, but how did you handle any guilt you may have felt? I know "what's done is done", but it's beyond my control to stop thinking about the "what ifs?" and "if only's". How did you handle that?