TL;DR: This year I realized I'm probably really depressed, and have been for a while. Typing it out (the abridged version, anyway) helps.
Well, after spending many years being the emotional rock for my SO, she's confident, strong, and smart... Off pursuing her dream 800 miles away. I'm very, very proud of the woman she's become, and while I'm not happy about the distance, she worked hard and deserves the chance she's taking.
However... Now that I've got time for introspection, all the cracks in myself that I didn't have the time or room to see have shown up in pretty stark relief, and all at once.
I can't seem to motivate myself to do anything that isn't an imperative. I eat, shower occasionally, try and keep the house clean, pay bills, and go to work. The 18 million non-essential, but still important, projects I seem to have around go neglected, and I spend hours on Reddit, or Netflix instead.
I think the distance is between my GF and myself is starting to wear on me, as I slept with a good friend this past weekend, and I'm not sure I feel bad about it. Except for the fact that she's married with a kid... That kinda complicated things. We've both told our respective SO's, and everything is cool as far as I can tell, but who actually knows.
I've realized over the course of this year that I've been slowly unraveling for a long time, and I'm getting threadbare. This latest development has pretty much pulled a thread and ran.
I've felt in the past that laying all this on a friend would be an unfair burden to place on them. Or that I don't feel comfortable making people worry about me.
I've got an appointment with a therapist in a few weeks, but this has been bottled up for a while, and I really need a friend to talk to now. Problem is, I don't really have any I feel I can tell about all this, as we're all in the same group of friends, and we're trying to keep the tryst out of the group gossip.
I can't talk to my GF about it... I can, but we've been together a long time, and I know what she's going to say. While I know it will be genuine and loving advice, I need a different perspective, from someone who knows me, and I trust.
I love my GF very much, but I don't know how much longer I can do the distance thing. But I can't make her come home, as she's just getting started doing something she's dreamed of for a long time. I know she'll come back if I need her to, but I can't help but think there will be resentment down the line. I don't know how to tell her this, and even if I did, I have no idea what I'd actually tell her.
I can't say that if an opportunity with the other woman came up, that I'd turn it down. Quite the opposite... I think I'd go for it whole-heartedly, and am kinda hoping it happens, in a that-was-a-lot-of-fun-consequences-be-damned sort of way. I don't know what this means for my actual relationship.
I can usually distract myself from all this with work, but lately even that's not working, and that worries me.
I'm at a complete loss... I don't know what's wrong, I don't know what I can do to fix it, and I don't know who I can talk to about it (until therapy in 3 weeks, anyway...). This is incredibly unfamiliar territory for me, and I'm actually a bit scared.