He'd been straight for 6 years, but still clung to the old HQ. So many memories. That time he genetically engineered a tyrannosaurus rex and ransacked Tokyo. When he
kidnapped 12 celebrities, kept them under constant, public surveillance and ransomed one off every week. The time he so nearly blew up the moon. But his surgical laser
technology was getting some traction - Life Ray was about to score a big contract, his tools would be in hospitals all over the country. It was worth the risk.
"Daddyyyyy I'm boooorrreeedd"
He was supposed to take her for helicopter piloting lessons today, but a very persuasive loan officer had convinced him to come in to discuss the loan. This was all
for her anyway, he thought, even if she was too young to understand.
"Quiet down Ivy!"
"That man's too FAT!"
"Damnit IVY! How many times have I told you about this? You must point and laugh at people after you insult them!"
"Noooo Daddy I meeeaannn heee's too, fat, he shouldn't be so fat"
Keen eye, young one, he thought. The third man in line for the cashier did indeed carry more girth around the waist than his chiseled face would predict.
"YOU ARE FA-MMMmmppph"
He covered Ivy Evil's mouth. "Kids," said the roll of his eyes to the loan officer. A quick scan around. A man stood near the door, occasionally glancing up from
brochures. Two more, using the ATM near the door to the back office. The woman sat in the waiting area, something wrong about her too. Five in total.
"Shut up and stay put Ivy. Excuse me a moment sir."
Ivy knew that tone. She slumped to the floor and sighed, defeated. The loan officer smiled.
Mr Evil walk to the main bank floor, and queued behind the ATM guys. These were clearly the safe crackers. They stopped whispering as he approached and looked at him.
He smiled, trying to look bored. As the men turned back to the machine, feigning engagement with it, he jabbed each one in the back with a small laser pointer attached
to his keys. Bzzt! Bzzt! They didn't react. Both stood perfectly still, looking intently at the machine. You never know when you'll need a paralyser, he thought.
The rest of the room was none the wiser. Good. Now the door guy. Mr Evil moved to the brochures and started browsing loan options.
"These days you need a degree just to understand bank brochures!"
"Yeah old man. Sure. Might as well be in Greek."
Mr Evil spoke fluent Greek.
"Haha, you're right there! I'm Cornelius."
Mr Cornelius Evil extended his hand a little too quickly, hitting the wrist of the door man. Bzzt! The door man stood staring at the fascinating brochure stand.
The fat man was next in line. Not much time left. He made his way over to the woman and sat next to her.
"So what's your job?"
"I'm sorry?", said the woman.
"Well the brochure guy's covering the exit, the two by the ATM are headed for the vault, and presumably the fat man is going to kick off the show. What's you're job?"
The woman froze for a moment, eyes opened wide. He didn't hesitate. Bzzt!
The fat man was now approaching the cashier, in the center of the room. He flung his jacket to the floor. Rows of dynamite surrounded his torso, red and white wires
connecting them to the detonator in his right hand.
"EVERYBODY ON THE GROUND NOW! YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR SINS! YOU PEOPLE BEHIND THE COUNTER, SHOW ME YOUR HANDS! YOU WILL ALL FACE JUDGEMENT!"
"I find that unlikely, my friend"
"YOU! OLD MAN! ON THE GROUND NOW!"
Mr Evil gestured to the ATM men, still staring at the machine. The brochure man and the woman both remained perfectly in place. They should have drawn their weapons.
They should be covering the crowd. They weren't doing anything!
"What the...."
"Overall a sloppy job. Though I do like the suicide bomber angle. Very current. Vest's obviously fake, though."
Mr Evil raised the paralyser and moved towards the fat man.
"DAAADDY Hellpplppmmmph!"
"Stop right there, Evil."
The loan officer stood, covering Ivy's mouth with one hand, holding a gun to her head with the other. Damn! There were six of them.
"You're losing it. I would have said say five out of six isn't bad, but if it wasn't for this brat you wouldn't have seen any of us at all! I'm so pleased I could lure
you in today. 'Reformed bad guy can't resist one last job'. You're the perfect alibi - for us that is! Now, kindly turn that paralyser to yourself."
Bzzt!
Ivy moved away from the motionless loan officer, her miniature paralyser in hand. Mr Evil swiftly disabled the fat man with a left hook.
"Great work Ivy!"
"I'm boooorrreeedddd! Can we go to the helicopters now?"
Mr Evil laughed.
"Of course, but remember what I told you!"
Ivy pointed at the loan officer, cackling as they left the bank.