For millennia human beings have deliberated upon the various ways in which mankind could cease to exist in an instance.

Perhaps we would become the victims of an apocalyptic natural disaster, devouring us all at once. Many of the various religions had believed that our sins would one day bring the wrath of god upon us, smiting us for our foolish ways.

Yet nobody had quite anticipated what would become of humanity as the world became bouncy.

It came to me last Sunday evening as I crouched over my toilet and proceeded with my regular scheduled bowel movement. As I dropped healthy logs of digested dingleberries into the toilet pan, I was astounded to feel the spiteful backlash of the sewage below come thrusting upward onto my bare buttcheeks.

Being a rational individual, I had attributed this vile vengeance to the curry I had wolfed down earlier. Yet later on I looked out of my window and that's when I saw it, people bouncing everywhere.

The local news began to display warning messages from the government: Do not leave your homes and do not attempt to sit down unless absolutely necessary. Video footage showed soldiers on the streets trying to keep calm, their bullets ricocheting off different surfaces and accidentally penetrating innocent civilians without prejudice.

We are all housebound, terrified of leaving our premises and bouncing away, never to be seen again.

I attempted to lay down to sleep last night, and unfortunately found myself bouncing around in an uncompromising position. I haven't been able to feel my legs since, and it's unlikely that I'll make it to the end of the week.

I managed to crawl to the telephone this morning to call my neighbour for urgent assistance. She offered to visit and bring her first aid kit. I appreciated the sentiment, but I think I heard her slip over in the drive way and spring away into the unknown. She was a good woman.

It is unlikely that the world shall ever return to being normal again.