Writing a song which I came up with recently inspired by my first breakup during the 2020 pandemic and a couple other friendships which ended as a result of it later on. Wanna be clear this is not autobiographical and I changed the details to make it more dramatic, but it's ultimately about poor communication and mixed messages. I'm still learning to forgive myself while separating what was my fault and what wasn't - and not resenting other people for it.
This is not meant to be a "my ex is a piece of shit" song because they aren't, but they disappointed me in a huge way and it got messier when their best friend started playing damage control and personalizing our breakup as their fault - when I said I'd take some time away from the group's Discord server they asked if I was punishing them. I was 100% not but I felt so guilty and like it was my job to forgive my ex to keep the harmony, but it wasn't. Forcing myself to accept the excuses their friend made only made me miserable and everything awkward because I felt like I was continuing to let people use me and get away with non-apologies, and I wasn't allowed to be angry or ask for space.
I couldn't handle the dissonance between the part of me that was so angry and the part of me that felt obligated to put up with them because no one else was upset with them, so the problem is me because if I actually say what I'm thinking then it will cause trouble for people not even involved in our relationship. I don't blame anyone involved for being angry at me but by the end of it I realized I really did not like the people I used to consider my best friends or the person I had become trying to fit in with them, and trying to communicate with them felt like walking through a minefield. This was exacerbated by the chronic pain I was developing which also put me in a worse mood than usual and hampered my decision making skills, but it's not entirely because of that.
Verse
I used to like myself
That was before I met you
And the thoughts inside my head infested everything I do
You made me call you in the morning
You made me listen to you lie
About how your computer camera and your cell phone must've died
Pre-chorus
I said I'd delete the nudes - you said I didn't have to
What the fuck was that? I don't fuck with that
What the fuck were you trying to do?
Chorus
Why didn't you read my mind?
Why didn't you say sorry?
Why did I always come away feeling you pushed your feelings on me?
Why did I apologize?
Why am I so afraid?
I don't wanna be the bad guy, so get the fuck out of my way