3. Yes, it's hard but beautiful (open discussion hopefully)

Yes, it's hard but beautiful (open discussion hopefully)

I've always been mentally cruel to myself. I am working fiercely on stopping this behavior as it is in a way like an addiction, it's easy. I can fall back into it because I've gotten so good at it. But just because it's easy doesn't mean it's right. It's hard but I'm getting better at it.

I don't really want to bring out the charge as a result of this experience, I've always wanted that for myself but no one has ever been interested in it besides myself. I've wanted the same for my partners as well, but they haven't wanted to, so we just didn't. I want to please him, I want to learn what he likes and doesn't, just not framed as "She does this for me, it's awesome, you should do it too" because then I just feel like I am just filling her shoes until she gets back. I am not her, I will never be her so using her to frame me will never work and it will just make me resent him.

I am however in full understanding that I am lower on the totem pole, and although part of me laments this, the other part of me is completely understanding and accepting of it. I don't expect it to be any different either, closeness comes with time and thus far we haven't had much time yet, so it would be rather obtuse to think it should be otherwise. When I said I wanted to be important to someone like she is to him, I meant in general. I don't want to be the sole focus in someone's life, I've just never had the experience of being very important to my significant others in the past. I'm not sure how I'd exactly explain why, but they've gotten comfortable very fast with me and taken me for granted.

He is pretty clearly crazy about me and I about him, he's the most verbal partner I have ever had and I really appreciate it. I don't feel unheard in that way at all as I myself am very verbal. I do think we eventually need to evaluate where this may be going. Thanks for your input. I may post a thread when I work things out a little bit more for more advice on the matter. For right now I need to just pretend she doesn't exist until we can talk about it more.

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