Since this isn’t in a google doc I’ll go through line edits and then add my critique at the end. Before I tear you apart in the edits I want to let you know that I enjoyed this piece and I can definitely tell you have a lot of potential. You just need to work on a few things, and keep practicing. I think you’re probably a new writer like myself, so the best advice I can give is to read and write as much as you can and keep at it! Here we go!
Line Edits
They had grown together, they had come together.
Not the best opener. Nothing about it really pulls me in, and in the context of the story it doesn’t really make sense, it just seems very pretentious. I understand what you’re trying to say, but how you said it doesn’t work. I think overall it really isn’t too bad, but in context it feels very weak.
In his dreams Joel was an architect, a painter, a creator of worlds. She was always there with him but he had always thought of her as one of his constructs.
I like the first sentence, probably because I’m a big fan of writing with tricolons. “Constructs” to me seems too purple, I would stick with ‘creations’ or just completely rephrase the sentence, because as it is now it reads super awkwardly.
Every night he would dream this way, it had come to him naturally much like Janette.
This sentence doesn’t make sense. Read it out loud to yourself. It just isn’t good. Also, it’s unclear to the reader that Janette is the girl “her” refers to.
Janette was covered in tattoos and her hair had just the lightest tinge of green on one single ribbon of hair from root to tip
This word vomit is so incredibly frustrating to make sense of that I almost gave up reading here. You have a LOT of run-on sentences like this one. Go back through and read everything out loud and look for sentences like this one where nothing makes sense because there is no grammatical structure.
She was Joel's perfection.
No. Cut it. Just pure purple.
He was pale and a bit flabby much unlike this second life he lived at night.
Another run-on. Also, ‘this’ is out of place and doesn’t fit with the rest of the narrative. Change it to ‘the’
These were the nights he truly regretted
‘Those’
There were also times Jannette was not there, he always liked her around and this put a damper on most of his creation for that night
I suck at tense, but I’m pretty sure you’re jumping all over. Be careful with your ‘this’ and ‘these’ words, make sure they make sense.
The latest one they lorded an entire galaxy from a central solar system.
This doesn’t make sense
In dreams they were gods, but Joel knew from the beginning he could never have her
Why can’t her have her? It seems like they’ve been having sex. Especially in the context of the story. Make sure your word choice is clear.
She was created in his mind, true he had no idea where she had come from. He assumed it was a subconscious creation based on his wants in a woman. The subconscious being as weird as it is.
This is a lot of purple and very little content. It doesn’t make any sense, it just sounds sophisticated. Be very careful with purple prose, it ruins stories very quickly.
"So why", he wondered, "is she staring at me across the bistro?"
OHHHH SHIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTT!! I love this line! Fantastic writing, definitely the best line in this entire passage.
A cold dread fell over him when he had noticed her. He had pinched himself but he wasn't dreaming like all the other times.
Watch your tense
She too was a bit overweight, not like the dream Janette, who was perfect skinny with an olive complexion. In real life she was like, well like a real person, pale, still beautiful but not like the dreams.
This is super awkwardly written, read it out to yourself.
"What's wrong with you?" She asked between bites of lo mein. He almost forgot she was there. "Nothing, nothing. Why?" He was unconvincing. Mary stopped eating.
Who is the she? Even on my third read-through I’m not entirely sure. I think it is Mary, but the way you wrote it says that Janette is yelling across the restaurant at him. Be careful when using she/her to make sure it is clear who the pronoun relates to.
Joel, however, was busy revisiting all the times he and Janette had sex in those dream universes. They had slept together in every way possible to them, they'd lain together in star nuseries set after the Pillars of Creation. What. Also, nurseries is spelt wrong. But really, he sees this girl from his dreams in a café, and instead of freaking out, he immediately thinks of all the times he’s banged her? Come on.
They'd done many positions on desolate planets in fictional solar systems
Blaaaaahhhhhhhhh, is this a teenage fan fic?
’ She came up with the name,' Joel thought, 'not my fault it sounded stupid.'
Why did you change from using “ to ‘ for his inner thoughts? Stay consistent!
Mary had always delighted in making fun when Joel was sick.
Show don’t tell!
"I am just going to go to the bathroom."
Most of the dialogue is pretty bad. Just say it out loud. Contractions exist for a reason, use them!
"Please don't take too long I was looking forward to hanging out before work Joel."
Really? She’s upset he has to take a piss? Make sure your characters’ interactions are believable
He came to the bathroom door that read, Dudes like these hipster restaurants did in this gentrified part of the city. He opened the door and there stood Janette in all her real life glory.
I… I don’t know if I can go on. This is such a mash of purple prose and incoherent garbage.
"I think I am going crazy but I have seen you in many of my dreams. I am going to leave now."
LOL, what? Why would she leave after she says that? After all the effort she went through to talk to him. Especially considering the bombshell she still has to drop. Make sure your characters are realistic and concrete. Make a personality and objective and stick to that! Come up with motivations for them to base their actions around.
"That's what I'm screaming."
She… she isn’t screaming…
Joel looked back toward where Mary was sitting, he was safely behind a wall.
Then how did he look at her?
"What goddammit?!"
This seems incredibly out of character for Joel. Make a character and stick to them!
Seems it is. I haven't been with anyone in 2 years... Except in my dreams." She said with her head down.
Two not 2, and “she said with her head down” is an overused phrase. Come up with another way of expressing her sadness/shame.
"You're right it isn't possible, you're lying. There is something weird going on here and I think you are at the core of it. What do you want like money or something?!" Joel exploded.
WTF Joel, when did Mary slip you the crazy pills? I understand that he is probably confused and in denial, but make sure your characters are realistic.
They regarded each other for a moment. There was no denying it, this had turned into an ordeal Joel started to say something but another voice interrupted him.
It doesn’t make sense. Go back through what you’ve written and rewrite any sentence you have to read more than once to understand.
Critique
Here we go! Most of your problems I highlighted in the line edits, so I’ll just briefly touch on everything a little more here.
Prose
Everything you wrote is super purple. You use so many adjectives and adverbs that just don’t belong. It seems like you tried to pick the very best word, in your mind, every time, rather than considering what made sense in context. It also seems like you got lost in that purple word choosing a lot, and so your sentences would start to get off track, and by the end you’d have a two-line vomit of random thesaurus words and no coherence.
When you write, and go back and edit, make sure the words make sense in the sentence and the story, not just that they sound pretty. I’m pretty sure you didn’t edit any of this yet, which is fine, but when you do go back read it all out loud a couple of times and see what I’m talking about.
George Orwell wrote an excellent essay on prose I think you should read. He talks about the absurdity of using big words just to sound smart, and how pretentious language often just ends up being pretentious, not sophisticated.
Characters
Make sure to create a concrete character with specific motivations, objectives, traits, and personalities for each one of your characters, and stick to those characterizations in your writing. You deviate a lot in Joel’s character at the end, and to the reader it seems like he went absolutely insane.
Dialogue
Make it believable. I didn’t buy most of what you wrote down. Everything is so awkward and forced. Make it natural, make it sound real.
When you’re talking to someone, make some mental notes about the nuances of conversation. When you watch TV, listen to the interactions and watch how different physical movements correspond to the emotions they are relaying in their speech. When you read, focus on how professional authors create dialogue. All of this will help you be a better writer.
Plot
I actually love this idea for a story. I love dreaming, and the lucidity of my dreams is my favorite thing in the world. I love the feeling of awe and wonder you get from dreams. Expand on this in your story. Talk about some of his dreams with Janette. Get creative! This is where you can put aside the textbook writing and really let your own voice and style shine, so go all out!
Conclusion
Overall I think you have a fantastic idea for a story, you just need the execution. I can tell the mechanics are there, you have lots of descriptors, and your plot flows well. You just need to go back and edit your work. Cut the fat and add some substance.
Thanks for letting me read, and good luck with your story! I love the premise and I hope you’ll post another chapter again soon!