Lauren, Emily’s mom, walked up with a big cake. It was white with pink designs, shaped like a shoe, and had five blue candles on it. Emily’s favorite movie was Cinderella and so the theme for the party was glass slippers and crowns.

I am not sure if it’s the description or the voice that is bothering me with this sentence. I suggest finding a way to describe the cake without the use of “like”. The passive voice can be distracting, rework the sentences to make them assertive. Example (using my style): It was a glass slipper and crown themed party to keep with Emily’s favorite movie, Cinderella.

The entire second paragraph needs to be reworked. Too many words, too many tells, not enough show. Show me where the cake was placed, show me the seat is empty.

Those who witnessed it described people sinking into the ground, quickly, and then nothing.

Another sentence that could build the intrigue of the story but falls apart because of excessive words and a weak narrative voice. I would simplify it - Witnesses reported people sinking into the ground, disappearing into nothing. I think with a little work you can do even better than my suggestion.

Some puddles returned with the rain. The same spot would suck up another errant person. Eventually, the government started marking these areas. The problem was that the puddles were erratic, you couldn't rely hundred percent on the markers, or know that a new puddle hadn’t been formed a few feet over.

Another sentence with too many words - you sensing a theme here? You are telling me what happens, you aren't showing me. Expand on the erratic nature of the puddles by showing me how the markers fail.

The night Emily vanished, the family had been forced out because Kenneth had been running a fever. Lauren worried it was more serious than a cold, and so they agreed to leave the house even though it had just finished pouring.

Tighten up your approach, give the story some muscle. The premise is terrifying, let the reader feel the terror. The decisions they have to make that could be catastrophic. "The night Emily vanished, Kevin was running a fever. Lauren was worried that it was more than a cold and they agreed to leave the house. "

I want to keep going, but the excessive words and the passive voice making it a struggle to keep reading. You have a great idea here, living in a world where puddles might swallow people. Fear the rain, pray for a drought.

I came back to skim through to the end of the story. What a powerful ending! I want to find out more about this world under the puddles. But, you need to fine tune your writing to get me to come back to your story. Trim out the words, focus on showing me the terror that people feel. Your approach to dialogue was solid, maybe your characters need to talk more?