Hi DoI,

Your post really spoke to me for a few reasons. Firstly, I had a very different relationship with my grandparents than you seem to have (and that's okay!), and secondly because I am a hospice volunteer and I have seen a lot of family members as they try to cope.

My grandmother was the sweetest, feistiest woman on planet earth. In the last few years of her life she developed dementia, and sometimes was present but sometimes was not. I remained very close with her, visited several times a week and did everything I could do to be there. I am the only grandchild who stayed in the picture. I don't fault my cousins or my sibling for not being present, because I completely understand how emotionally and mentally taxing it can be to see someone you love in that situation. That being said, when it became clear that she was dying (cancer, not complications of the dementia) I contacted my sibling and my cousins out of state. I let all of them know exactly what was happening with gram, and that they had maybe a few days to make it to see her. Three of my cousins drove through the night to see grandma. She had been nonverbal for a few days already, and did not seem to recognize any of them. (Also was not recognizing me by this point, she was just too far gone.) but each of my cousins had one on one time with her, alone in her private room, held her hands and talked to her about old memories. She seemed calm, at peace during these visits. Grandma died less than a week later. My cousins all said it was difficult to see her that way, in that place after so many years. But of the three of them, none regret it. My brother has never said that he regrets not going, but I really suspect he does. On the flip side of that, I've seen family members visit their dying loved ones in hospice and have major meltdowns / lose it completely. I dont know that they went on to regret the visits later, but it can be pretty tough to see family members grieving in that way.

What it comes down to, I think, is motivation. It is so sweet and so thoughtful that you are trying to consider your dads feelings in this matter, really. But what you will have to think about is WHY you feel the pull to go. Do you want a chance to definitively say goodbye? Is there anything that you've left unsaid? Do you have guilt over the visits you haven't had together, because of how difficult those visits are for you? If your motivation for visiting now is the latter, I'd really like to reiterate what you seem to already know: everyone copes with loss differently. And while your grandmother is still physically with us, you have had to cope with losing her once already. That is a very difficult thing to go through, and there is nothing wrong with not maintaining a visit schedule after the dementia took over. Please, please forgive yourself if this is something that bothers you. About whether to visit now, is this something you want for you? Is it something you want to do for her? If your decision in any way concerns other people, rule them out right now. This is between you and grandma, and you don't owe an explanation to anyone. That being said, though, it doesn't sound like you have to do it alone if you don't want to. Would you feel comfortable talking to your dad and seeing where he stands? Is it possible for him to take you to the facility and walk you to grandmas room, then give you some time alone with her? I understand that you don't want him to see you upset, but he may want to be able to be there for you. He may also be able to give you a better idea of what to expect when you get there, since it's been a few years grandma may have declined further than when you last saw her. It sounds like conversation isn't possible, but that doesn't mean you can't connect during a visit. I recommend that family members bring a couple of items for visits, to give you something to do. These things are a comb(or brush) and a bottle of hypoallergenic / sensitive skin lotion. Would you be comfortable gently brushing grandmas hair or putting lotion on her hands? While she may not be able to respond to these gestures, both are proven to be therapeutic for both the patient and the family member. Do you have a book that you can read? If you plan to visit for an extended period of time or if you find that you don't want to leave after a short time together, you at want to sit in silence together and read quietly to yourself. (Or out loud to her, if you are comfortable.)

Ultimately, the choice is yours to make. I'm so sorry for what you've been through and for what you're going through, and I wish you the very best with it all. If there is anything you'd like to talk about or if you just need a friend, send me a PM any time. I'll be thinking of you and your family. I hope everything turns out in a way that gives you peace.