Your attitude towards this is everything and you are in complete control of that, though your word choice in this post makes me feel like you don't want that responsibility.

I don't feel in control at all at this moment. I guess I still have a lot of trouble accepting that I really need to let him go. I don't want to at all even though I know it's better for me. When I went into NC before I did have a good attitude- I sought out help from a therapist (but the waiting list was a year and I moved in the meantime so I had to start that process over again. I have an appointment next month though), I did some soul searching and chose a major that truly makes me happy, I'm making new friends, I tried new hobbies, I hadn't self harmed in a year. I was actually happy with my life. That's also why he came back. And I let him.

I know how much that process hurts and I really don't want to go through it again but I guess I just have to rip the band-aid off.