Writing this on a throwaway because I'm slightly inebriated and ashamed of myself since I feel like this is gonna be a messy post but oh my stars this hits so close to home. I'm almost the exact same age (29, less than a year until 30) and I feel exactly the same way.
I've given up on friendships for now and haven't had any real relationships but I keep having very brief flings with 19-22 year olds that end when either they realize I'm not the experienced, confident older man they were hoping for or I break things off because I'm ashamed falling for some guy who can't even buy alcohol and want to end things before one of us gets hurt. I'm mostly just afraid of one of the beautiful young guys who, for some reason, gets really into me suddenly realizing how much power his youth and looks give him and how much better he can do than me.
I don't really feel like I've had any important experiences. I'm starting to realize that most people are probably faking it when they write a bunch of words about how they've grown and matured but I still feel pretty much like I did when I was 20 except I'm a bit more jaded and a bit more comfortable with myself. I don't really get how guys my age or older on dating sites can act so confident about how they know what they want out of life and they're all mature and sophisticated and shit. A lot of them might be faking it but I can't even do that so I keep gravitating toward the younger ones since I feel like I have so much more in common with them... until I realize I don't.
I definitely get the wanting some sort of adventure thing. The only excitement in my life is having a bit too much to drink on Friday and Saturday nights. I want to travel or have some sort of new experience or something but at the same time I shy away from new experiences and want to be left alone most of the time.
My biggest problem right now is that I kind of "missed out" on being young and never got it out of my system so the things I want to do aren't very age appropriate. I want to be like my 20 year old brother and go to music festivals and do MDMA like he does but then I realize I'm a decade older than him and way too old for that. I've definitely got some lingering resentment over wasting my youth but I also know that I probably wouldn't actually do that shit if I still had the chance. I just see youth and youthful adventures as a temporary fix for boredom and dissatisfaction with life.
I feel like my relative lack of experience has led me to have less of an idea of what I want out of life than I should. All I really want right now is a boyfriend and a dog and I don't have enough time to take care of a dog and I'm not mature or interesting enough for a boyfriend. I try to work on improving myself but it never feels like enough. I started working out and got a better body, I started reading more, I went back to school in a completely different field than my degree, but I still feel like I don't really know anything and haven't really experienced enough to be an adequate partner. I still feel like the stupid little boy in high school when so many of my peers seem so much secure in life.
The worst part is that I have a pretty decent life, or at least I have enough resources to have one if I really tried. I live somewhere with a low cost of living and, while the gay scene here isn't great, I could afford to travel and do all sorts of shit if I wanted. I tried to go to Europe last year but I got there and felt like I sucked at traveling so bad and ended up going home early after completely failing to find a way enjoy myself. And then I felt guilty as hell for having that kind of opportunity and just wasting it.
I'm sorry if this post makes no goddamn sense or if I got too tl;dr but like I said I've had a bit too much to drink and this post really hit home so I had to say something.