I might be in the minority here, but I do want you to know I empathize with you and feel sorry for your suffering. Yes you really really sinned and did a really bad thing for so many years and you need to repent sincerely and commit to not ever do that again. You may have made made a mistake or imperfect choice of marrying someone while still carrying love for someone else in your heart, but let’s focus on where you are now.

You certainly have a right to divorce if your husband repulses you and yes you may be sparing him of a miserable life as well if you don’t like intimacy with him. However, do you know if he is satisfied with the relationship? Would he be ok if you both divorced? If this is out of concern for him that is. For yourself, have you tried talking to a therapist? Have you considered separating the two issues, the mourning the loss of your previous lover and the way you treat your current spouse? The first advice would to be to not do anything rash. I would work on your self and your relationship with Allah and seek professional help. I would also simultaneously talk with your husband and see what makes him happy and also let him know what makes you happy. No need to force the intimacy, but maybe you could at least not deny him completely and do minimum like weekly thing or something and use that time to watch tv, do a hobby together and start over. If that doesn’t sound like something you can do or if you don’t see any hope in the relationship, then divorce is something that isn’t ideal, but is sometimes necessary. Whatever you choose to do I encourage you to go on birth control so you don’t involve any children until your marriage is stable or you have divorced and remain chaste until you remarry iA.