I am not 'officially' anything but since my childhood it has been clear that I am not neurotypical. Shyness, uncomfortableness, being silent nearly all the time, lack of 'normal' socializing, sometimes hate for people, getting stuck on things that seem for others as trivial, being labeled as 'slow' (I fucking hate that and built myself so no one says that again). When I was a child my parents took me to some clinic and after some tests, I was diagnosed with ADHD. In my teenage years my psychiatrist was constantly being changed and each one would give a different diagnosis. All this added to my inner hatred of the world (the whole freaking world). Even one of them diagnosed me with schizophrenia, then with bipolar, and I'm not sure if there was a third diagnosis or we just changed him. In my last year of school things were getting horrendous as I was having my special interest in a specific person (a reunited childhood friend) instead of a thing, and the heartbreak wreaked absolute havoc in me. We were still changing doctors and after some begging I got to convince my parents to take me to a psychologist and that I need to talk to someone, not just eat stupid meds. At that point even my trust in my parents was broken and I was hoping this psychologist will help. Long story short, he didn't.

Once out of school, I attempted to run from home but I was so insecure and my parents threatened which eventually got me back home. They tried alternative med next and I felt a bit more relieved of those numbing meds. They were not satisfied with the results either. One of the things tried was a yoga teacher who claimed his 'cure it all' yoga sessions can help me. Needless to say, it didn't work, but he provided a place to sleep away from home which was a much needed escape. It wasn't healthy though, all those guys who slept at that house were escaping something in their lives, and doing weed. After two years of practically running away while my parents paid this guy, I came to see that he is just benefiting from me and not helping. I hated everything by now with my heart still broken from school. I have always been fixated on technology and loved to explore in it even though I couldn't learn code.

By now I realised that I cant do anything in the world and needed to improve myself. I still couldn't find my 'thing to do in life', but I tried taking some online courses in business which I liked but couldn't see myself working in. Long story short, I found myself volunteering with a friend who worked as a teacher at an organisation and I liked it. Now I am seeking a degree in Education to be a teacher, almost done! I get to work with children who have trouble, who aren't neurotypical either, and with children in general. Honestly, it makes sense for me to be in this field; I need to give to people who really need and feel appreciated in return.

My current psychiatrist has a diagnosis for me which she doesn't describe in detail, but says bipolar with 'other things'. I don't trust that whatsoever and donno what to do about it. From one side, I can't just change her because she seems to have a grasp of what I actually have, but I also don't trust her secrecy. I don't trust psychiatrists as I said. In society, I get to pass as neurotypical (I guess) but I am always perceived as weird and people only hang out with me when they don't have someone better. Some of them avoid me all together. I have a small group of friends who I feel understand and like me despite my weirdness, but I am not getting to see them as I am super busy with my studies. All the 'friends' I see are my classmates who see me as weird or sometimes avoid me. There was this particular girl who was a good friend then started ghosting me and we had a problem together which ended up with me talking to her husband who didn't tell me why she is doing so but just asked me to totally ignore her presence in my classes and indirectly threatened me when I said I can't do so. Ignoring someone is not healthy for me and I hate her as hell. I face problems trusting people and want to get away from them as much as possible. Honestly, the only interaction I'm getting nowadays is people getting freaked from me and I am capitalising on this by jokingly saying freaky stuff, just because its fun to see their faces with that look on it.

Am I autistic? NO IDEA. Do I care? yes and no. I don't want to walk around holding a label; I just need to a find a support group, a community, that understands me, where I feel part of something, but given I have problems trusting people I doubt I will be able to trust anyone.