Me again.

Over the past day I've had intense feelings of dysphoria. I've been thinking about it non-stop. I am incredibly open to the idea of being trans, but these feelings can still be scary. I'm not sure if it's the same kind feeling that I get when I panic intensely about something. Last month i was convinced I was showing the early symptoms of ALS and for a month felt twitching over my body (one of the first symptoms) and was convinced that I was showing signs of muscle weakness (another symptom). The feeling is similar - a sort of hopelessness and intrusiveness that's getting in the way of my day-to-day functioning. I know nobody can provide conclusive answers but I just really need a space to write all of this out in the open.

I'm going to call my sister tonight and sit down with one of my close friends to articulate my thoughts in person.

I keep doing thought experiments with myself, reflecting on specific moments of my life:

'When looking back at moments in your life, would you have been any happier if you were a woman?'

I don't know. When I felt body conscious.

'When looking back at moments in your life, would you have been less happy if you were a woman?'

I don't remember any time that I've been particularly happy to be a man, or in a scenario where the happiness of that scenario was dependent on being a man.

'If you were to accept that you were trans, would you want to take hormones now?'

I feel completely fine with my body, and i like some of the manly bits, but I don't feel completely comfortable either.

'Do you want to be this girl or that girl etc'

I never seem to want to be anybody else but myself, but something doesn't feel right.

I've been looking in the mirror and looking at everything on my body to see if it feels right, or feels like myself. I'm not sure if this is helpful for me at all. It's like when you repeat a word to yourself over and over again and it just seems to lose all meaning. I've been referring to myself as 'he' and 'she' to see what reaction it gets out of myself but again, I can't see to tell.

Could it be that I'm in between genders? Do some people stay in between genders without dysphoria, or does the dysphoria go away? I've only been feeling this for a day but it's been so intense that I can see how this drives so many people over the edge so quickly.