Another day had gone by in the humble neighborhood off of Idlewild. Children had finished their homework, the professionals had clocked out and dinner was being served. Suburbia was in full swing on this just another day. While existence continued to exist, daily rituals were in the norm for almost all the residents of this tight knit community. ‘Almost all’ referring to Kyle in house 8010.
Kyle, in his mid-30s, was well known for being the guy who takes his neighbors newspaper every morning. He didn’t even read them, he was just that kind of guy.
Living off unemployment and reruns of COPS, Kyle sat in his weathered arm chair while eating yesterday’s Chinese take out. He swallowed the swill of his warm domestic then placed the can on his take out menu that also doubles as a napkin. Kyle was slipping into a snooze when he was abruptly alerted by a flashing light. COPS turned to static, the walls had shaken and the lone lamp with no shades’ bulb burst.
An uncomfortable silence fell before Kyle until an icy hallow voice made waves. “Kyle” The voice echoed as a hooded man appeared in front of him. Armed with a large scythe the man revealed his bone hands and pulled back his hood. A skull with eyes of fire stared deep into the soul of Kyle. Screams of the tortured echoed through the halls as the shattering voice continued “I am the one they call Death. I am here to reap your life since you have already forgotten how to live. Come with me and..” Kyle seeming more annoyed than scared was quick to stop Death in his sentence.
“Wait a second. You’re Death? The legendary Grim Reaper who comes to…kill people right?”
Death calmly responded as an eerie grin stretched the skeletal face.
“Yes Kyle, the bell tolls for you.”
“Oh..” Kyle sighed as a look of disappointment fell over him.
Death raises his scythe with such magnificent force. The only curtain blows, the take out menu soars, and a recycling days’ worth of aluminum cans hit the wall. The tortured screams become unbearable.
“It’s not the dying thing that’s weird. It’s just….never mind.”
For the first time in a millennia Deaths curiosity has peaked. Seconds pass while Death almost lets down his persona of being the chosen one of the damned.
“Go on mortal. What is it that you fear?”
Kyle speaks to Death with a quick retort. “It’s not that I fear anything. I just figured Death would be a little taller, that’s all.”
The echoing screams halted immediately. The lights returned and COPS flicked back on.
Death drops his scythe and closes his bone jaw. “Now what in the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Death says quite offended.
“I mean, you are the all ‘mighty death.” Kyle is also the kind of guy who uses finger quotations. “You know, Hallowed be the name and all that. Kicking ass, slaying souls. You’re like five feet tall. I kind of imagined the Grim Reaper would be kind of fuckin’ huge.”
“I am five and a half feet you sack of shit! I do ‘kick ass and slay souls’” Death says as he mimics Kyle’s air quotes. Death continues “I ride a bitchin ass pale white horse that one of these days I’m going to ride down from the heavens and kill all you mother fuckers on the Earth. What do you ride around doing fuck all in?” Death moves the curtain with his boney fingers “A God Damn Maxima? What is that a 96?”
Kyle raising his voice to death starts becoming offended himself “It’s a 98 asshole, and I don’t think you mean a pale white horse. I think you mean that pony from the petting zoo at the state fair that shits all over himself. Either that or a step ladder, some cinder blocks or something. I don’t know.”
“Dammit boy, I am DEATH. I can get on my horse myself”
“Yeah well prove it.”
“What?”
“Jump over my coffee table.”
“No.”
“See, you can’t jump for shit.”
“No, I can I just don’t want to right now. I’m not wearing the right shoes, I kind of slept weird last night, also…hey man, fuck you! You know what, I don’t need to take this shit from some low life day old Chinese food eating…” Death searches his vocabulary for the insult that would be on the tip of his tongue if he had one. “Fuck it. I’m not even going to kill you right here because you know what? Shits about to get real bad….real soon.” Death points his boney finger “That revelations shit you don’t read about but you hear them talk about in movies, that shit is going to fuck you up and every one of you up so just you wait.” Death starts for the door. “Yeah, you’ll see. You all will see.” The door flings open with a swoosh of Death’s arm.
Kyle screams toward the door “Yeah I’ll just sit on my refrigerator when that day comes.”
A bone finger is all that’s left visible in the doorway. The door slams only to be reopened by Death himself to spew a final blessing to Kyle. “And quit taking my paper asshole!”