Now not mine, but the other way around...

I would never go through with it but...

I was going through one of the gonewild subreddits when by sheer chance I saw right there a post by a woman I had known. She had really screwed me over in multiple ways and here she was, screwing herself for all the world to see.

I had the picture open in the tab and just stewing in the cocktail of emotions this was mixing in my head, old pains flooding in, bittersweet memories, dumbfounded shock at this twist of fortune, and boner waxing and waning. And yet when I hit back, the picture was gone. No matter I thought, I had the username which would have been enough. But I thought to check "new posts" just to be sure and I was not ready for what I saw.

It was the same picture, but under a different account name. With both names in hand, I checked the accounts and the reality of what I had clicked. I had suddenly this person's "personal" account and their very extensive nsfw account.

I was not in a good place at the time when this happened. Though I had had only had one drink, I was drinking and going through nsfw subreddits so you can put the pieces together. At that moment, I was sad, not emotionally, but as a description of place and character. And yet sad as I was, I couldn't comprehend just how easily, quickly, and delicious the idea of an anonymous "revenge" or "getting back at this person" feeling swept over me in that instant. And I mean I had the full range, a bestiary of every kind of image imaginable with her and face and name in it. It would have been easy

I immediately anonymously (with another throwaway) sent her a message telling her I "knew her in highschool" (way before our actual encounter) explaining to her how her identity could easily be connected and then never returned to that throwaway. I immediately left to a bar and when I came back (I did check, again, sorry that place and time) I was glad that all of those pictures had been deleted.

Again, I would never. I've always felt that "Revenge" and "getting back" of any kind is all child's play and that it doesn't matter what pain I felt she was responsible for at one point, it never felt clearer to me than in that instance how much I am ultimately responsible for my feelings, and like that louis ck bit goes, that the pain plays a big part in this whole living a full life

Yet that weird and scary flood of emotions that for one second left me feeling so instantaneously justified with flooded emotions which immediately preceded the "clarity" was perhaps the ultimate lesson in empathy that I've ever learned. How easy it seemed, how natural, how I felt that it was something that I almost deserved? I never judge people these days who have "exploded" or "snapped" like that. Maybe open arms and kisses isn't the answer, I certainly didn't deserve them for awhile, but forgiveness is. On all fronts