Good evening, ladies and gentleman.
Let me introduce myself. My name is
Rupert Pupkin. I was born in Clifton,
New Jersey, which was not, at that
time, a federal offense. (laughter)
Is there anyone here from Clifton?
(silence) Good. We can all relax.
Now, I'd like to begin by saying that
my parents were too poor to afford me
a childhood but the fact is nobody is
allowed to be really poor in Clifton.
Once you fall below eleven thousand
you're exiled to Passaic. My parents
did, in fact, put down the first two
payments on my childhood. Then they
tried to return me to the hospital
as defective. But, like everyone else
I grew up in large part thanks to my
mother. If she was only here today
I'd say, "Hey, mom. What are you
doing here? You've been dead for
nine years?" (laughter) You should
have seen my mother. She was wonderful
-- blonde, beautiful, intelligent,
alcoholic. (laughter) We used to
drink milk together after school.
Mine was homogenized. Hers was loaded.
(laughter) Once she was picked up for
speeding. They clocked her doing fifty
-- in our garage. (laughter) When
they tested her they found that her
alcohol was two per cent blood. They
took away her license and she died
shortly afterwards. We used to joke
together Mom and me, until the tears
would stream down her face and she'd
throw up. (laughter) And who would
clean it up? Not Dad. He was too
busy down at O'Grady's throwing up on
his own. In fact, until I was sixteen,
I thought throwing up was a sign of
maturity. While the other kids were
off in the woods sneaking cigarettes, I
was hiding behind the house with my
fingers down my throat. (laughter)
I never got anywhere until one day,
my father caught me. Just as he was
giving me a final kick in the stomach,
for luck, I managed to heave all
over his new shoes. "That's it,"
I thought. "I've made it. I'm
finally a man!" (laughter) As it
turned out, that was the only time my
father ever paid any real attention
to me. He was usually too busy out
in the park playing ball with my
sister, Rose. And, today thanks to
those many hours of practice, my
sister Rose has grown into a fine man.
(laughter) Me, I wasn't especially
interested in athletics. The only
exercise I ever got was when the
other kids picked on me. They used
to beat me up once a week, usually
Tuesday. After a while, the school
worked it into the curriculum. And,
if you knocked me out, you got extra
credit. (laughter) Except there was
this one kid who was afraid of me. I
kept telling him, "Hit me! Hit me!
What's the matter with you? Don't you
want graduate?" As for me, I was
the only kid in the history of the
school to graduate in traction. The
school nurse tucked my diploma into
my sling. But my only real interest,
right from the beginning, was show
business. Even as a young man, I
began at the very top, collecting
autographs.