Have You Been Blamed By Docs or Therapists? (TW: suicide, molestation)

Omg yes, this subject is really, massively affecting me in major ways. First of all, I just want to say that I am so sorry these things happened to you, it's horrible and I believe you 100%. I apologise for the incoming vent, but I get you, and this is me:

I have been so, so mistreated by professionals that it's practically abuse in it's own weird way. Ok, so it's not the same as what the N's in my life have done, but it's so messed up all the same.

I was diagnosed with something called "Fictitious Disorder" when I was about 15 (I'm 29 now). To briefly explain, "Fictitious Disorder" is a mental illness where you purposefully make things up in order to benefit from those things in some way. It's like Münchhausen's but you don't go hurting other people. They said it was so I could "receive care".

I was 15, massively abused, in a psych-ward and I had no idea what was real and what wasn't any-more. They basically said I was "acting up" in order to get attention. I didn't know I was being abused, I didn't understand much of anything because my abusers raised me to be helpless, terrified of the world and utterly dependant on them. My therapists, support workers, everyone professional just dropped me like a stone after I got that diagnosis. "They are wrong!", I shouted, but my therapist at the time said "I feel betrayed". Then she left me to it. Well, you betrayed me, lady. I was 15 and didn't have anyone, and you 100% believed me every week until some guy you had never met said "she's just making it up".

It's the single most invalidating thing anyone could have ever done. It's hurt me more during the long-term than any other action from any of my abusers, because to this day when I go visit doctors (I've had loads because they keep on mistreating me) for something, they just flat-out don't believe me 90% of the time. It can be about anything, a sore throat, a lung problem, lady problems, mental problems, whatever. It doesn't matter. They're always so surprised when yet again, I'm not making stuff up. The condescension in their voices when they go "ooooh, your throat does look a little bit red, actually" fills my body with a pure rage. I just have to sit there and smile or else I'd punch them.

I'm going back into therapy now though, if nothing else because I want closure on all of this. If I really am this way, then I want to be treated for it. The messed up thing is, is that in a way me wanting treatment invalidates that diagnosis (fictitious people NEVER want to get better, that's kinda the point of the illness), but I fear the psychs are going to ask / be thinking, "what if I want treatment because I am trying to convince people all over again", at which point I am still just this fictitious monster. It feels like I'm being permanently gaslighted all the time.

I think the worst thing is that all of my defences against this monster that I am cast as, fit into the role of the disorder itself. It's like, the most common thing is to obviously deny that you are this way. It's also common to have had loads of doctors and to have moved around a great deal, apparently.

My doctors made me do asthma diagnosis tests over and over again because they thought I was making up this lifetime illness, and then throwing the results of the re-test on purpose, for fucks sake :(

/r/raisedbynarcissists Thread