3. Being old means referring to 3AM as "really early" instead of "really late".

Being old means referring to 3AM as "really early" instead of "really late".

i'm 34 - and with a child on the way. I am financially stable, we make 160k a year combined, i live in a 3000 sq ft home in a nice neighborhood, we drive working cars, have stable employment and even if we didn't our skillsets enable us to bounce back quickly.

And I still feel "oh shit, what am i going to do". It's not a fear of my parents per se - or that i did something wrong. I don't know if it's because I'm a child of parents with NPD and feel like i have my childhood taken away from me by two people, and now my adulthood will be taken away by another and that the only years i truly get to myself where the 5-6 through college and before i met my wife, and when my kid is self sustaining at 22-24 years old (hopefully), leaving me to be 56 at a minimum, when my cock no longer works, i'm completely out of shape, my memory starts to fade and i'm completely disconnected from human culture where the sum of my connectedness with other people w ill be the lame politically correct, socially "decent", facades of shallow bullshit you form with co-workers.

Or if i just have some odd Peter Pan complex where i don't want to have to give up dirty movies, dirty music, going out to concerts or drinking occasionally, the possibility (however slight) of having "wild nights" regarding sex and mild/controlled drug use. Or just the inability to have the time to focus on me - hitting the gym, reading, whatever.

I've spent so much of my life distrusting authority that even though i make great money, i don't make a good supervisor or any authority figure at work. I don't trust cops, even at 35 i still think of parents the way a child thinks of parents - hypocritical, authoritarian, either abusive, spying, prying, shaming finger waggers or alternatively overbearing/smothering type of people b/c that's what my parents were. And i have the hardest time seeing myself as the authority. Of being the asshole that says "no". Making repetitive, lame dad jokes, watching what's left of my sexuality whither away, to deal with what? Diapers? Midnight crying? Pissing the bed? Toilet training? daycare? one more stop on my hour long commute home every night? someone who if they got in half the trouble i did as a teen, i have a lot to worry about and eventually deal with?

Having a kid is the scariest thing i think i've ever done. I don't know if i'm just some spoiled, selfish person from the Gen-X/Millennial generations obsessed with my own amusement and entertainment of if i'm somehow unique...but it's frightening. I can't help but think i didn't something i shouldn't have.

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