I hate my lack of social abilities. Online, I can write an entire paragraph, but in real life, I can barely say a sentence without making a mistake, dragging out words because I forgot the word for a certain thing, or having to repeat myself. I also don't know how to keep conversations going or what stuff I can bring up to keep them interesting. Honestly, it makes me afraid of how big an embarrassment I'd be for any future girlfriend, or wife, or boyfriend, or husband, if I'm even able to get one with how socially fucked I am. In the case I'd feel the need to defend them verbally from someone who's insulting them, I would barely even know how to defend them. Either that or I'd just start stammering or having to repeat myself. I feel I'd embarrass them completely since their boyfriend or husband can't even say a sentence to stand up for them. I also am very sensitive and I know people consider that as a bad thing for a man to do, I just sometimes ask myself if I should try to toughen up more and make myself cry less until I can't cry or feel bad at all and keeping every single problem I have to myself, or as people call it, "manning up". Though I hate the concept of that and had decided yesterday to not try to abide by something I don't believe in, I'm now going to try doing that, not just because others' opinions of me matter to me, but because I don't want to annoy anyone with my troubles no more. With all these things, I feel I might not be any good in a relationship. I also am lazy and extremely quiet and am trying to seem more active, possibly fitness centric, social, and loud even though I'm none of those things, but it's just draining to force myself to be someone I'm not just to get approval from others. I know it'll be worth it if it gets me a boyfriend/girlfriend or maybe even a husband/wife, since it'll mean I won't have to die alone with no one to remember me, but unfortunately it also means I'll have to pretend to be all the aforementioned things in my house. Even my house won't be a safe space for me to act as I really am. Another thing is I tend to worry too much about people, I feel I might come off as desperate or creepy and I get too attached to people too easily. My mom also says I have the face of a r***d person and that I act like one sometimes and I don't believe people would want to date someone with that type of face or who acts like one. Another thing is that I might've caused a kid to kill himself. His username was u/marubepul1. South Korean suicidal kid. I promised to check in on him daily, but I eventually stopped checking on him for a while and when I went to check in on him again, his account was deleted. I don't know if he's alive or dead and I sometimes keep thinking about him. Yesterday, I had also seen a few links to free legit therapy services somewhere on Reddit and now I feel so stupid because I didn't think they existed. Even if they didn't exist, I still didn't know how to help him properly. Now a kid is probably dead because I was too fucking stupid to know how to help a suicidal person and I was too stupid to doubt myself, which I tend to do, and make a search using the one tool in front of me, and it wouldn't even take a minute. I guess my mom was right about me acting like a r***d person. I just want to ask, not just to women, but also to men, if after all these things and with me now forcing myself to be the previously mentioned things when I'll never be them or truly enjoy them, will I ever get a partner or someone who would actually care about me? I'll be more than happy to pretend I'm someone I'm never going to be for the rest of my life if it means I can get someone to care about me.