This weekend, my brother is proposing to his girlfriend in Paris. They've been together less than a year but they're great together.. when you know, you know. I certainly waited too long and should have gone for it. I don't think it's too soon to just get engaged (after all, it's not the full commitment of getting married, you can stay engaged for years).

Anyway - here's the thing. I should be happy for him, I guess I am. But.. Firstly, he's more than 5 years younger than me and he's doing all of this off the back of my hard work that I fucked up with drugs.

So, my basic history.. I fucked up a 6 year relationship. Got my shit together, met someone else finally, then fucked up THAT 3 year relationship (These were serious things too. We'd had big family vacations together, travelled all over, I'd got to know everyone in the family from the sister to 'great uncle weirdo', been to funerals, weddings.. you know, I was part of the girl's family. I've never been happier, more in love, more accepted.. I had it all.

Then... bam. Drugs again. Relapse for no reason. I then chose them consistently over her and watched as she became more and more heartbroken, more and more despairing, desperate, distant and all because of me -eventually left. Something I've seen multiple times now and I haven't learnt a thing.

Oh, hey and I also lost my own business that I built myself (twice, actually). Here's where the second part of my lack of support for my brother's decision comes from. While in rehab, I was talked into signing over all of my assets to my brother for 'safe keeping'. Basically so I didn't sell them for a fraction of their value and a quick fix. Assets like... my home! Which he now lives in. And the business I built which pretty much runs itself from the basement of the house - he just collects the money each month and doesn't work. He's flashed a new Playstation in my face this week, he went to New York last month and Paris this weekend. He basically stepped into my shoes and my life (doing it better though, as he hasn't fucked it up with opiates).

Honestly, I don't mind that much, none of that stuff compares to the pain of losing that loved one. I can lose 'things' all day long, but people.. That shit hurts forever. I miss her :(