I think a big issue for me, and I admit this is rather silly, is that I wish I had some physical connection to Mary. I think that'd make things so much simpler for me. Like, there are a lot of times where I feel like I really just need to hug my mom, but there's so much friction between us that I don't even want to speak to her.

So when I see other people on social media and in life have these awesome relationships with their mom I feel both envious and alone. Especially since at this point in my life my own mother doesn't really have anything she can teach me or comfort me with.

So I look at Mary and some part of me feels that if I could hug Mary or if I could sit and talk with her and actually hear her voice, then I'd be 100% able to embrace it.

For example, I had a friend in high school who I miss immensely. His mother was so wise and intelligent and kind and firm that being around her made me want to be better to make her proud. I still remember how sweet she was to me. I remember the last time she hugged me and I crave that feeling of safety and love very much.

I feel silly having typed that because it seems a childish thing, but it's the truth of how I feel.

So I do want Mary to be my mother, it just happens I want her in a way I can't have her.

I think this is just a way I'm being kept from something beneficial for my eternal soul.

I hope some of that word vomit makes sense...