We grew so far apart... life just happened to us so fast... We started dating when i was 16. We got married when we were 19, had our first baby by 20. By 23... we had 3. Three baby's isn't easy. It's stressful. We were very disconnected during my third pregnancy... it was really rough... I cried myself to sleep every night because I felt so insignificant to him. My husband was in the delivery room for my third but literally slept through my entire labor and woke when I started pushing and was clearly just there for my daughter. I got really depressed... I hated how fat I was, how ugly I was. I knew my husband wasn't attracted to me anymore. We were fighting alot and decided to take a break... split up for 7 months and then if we want to try again start dating. We set a date for when he would leave but we ended up getting in a huge fight and he left early. While we were apart, I made some profiles on online dating sites. I honestly thought that no decent looking guy would ever sleep with me. Well I ended up talking to this guy... a few months later my husband started talking about coming back. I missed him. I hated being alone. I wanted him back but knew it was to soon and happening to fast but I didn't say anything and he came home and I kept talking to the other guy.... things ended up being worse between us than before and that's my fault I'm sure. I was living a lie. I felt unlovable. I felt like all I could do was disappoint him and like he deserved someone better anyway. One day I just said I need time to think and I left for the weekend... one of those nights I met the other guy... I cried the whole way home... I couldn't believe what I did. Then, a few weeks later I did it again with a different guy... I honestly don't remember much after sleeping with the first guy... there is about a 3 month span that I cannot for the life of me even remember.... as if my mind just blacked out for 3months.... long story short, he found out, left for while and then came back. We are still together and doing much better. We have out good days and our bad days. I love my husband. He is amazing. He is a great father. He is everything every woman wants. I can't explain why I really cheated... sometimes I think it was more self sabotaging than anything.... It was the biggest mistake of my life. I almost tore apart my family. I have no idea why the hell he would want to stay with someone like me... I think about that everyday. I feel like he deserves someone better and I feel like I have already hurt him enough and that it is cruel to let him stay with me and suffer with the thoughts he probably has. I don't think this will ever be something that goes away. I think it's hard for him to be attracted to me sexually... and that's hard for me... but he is here and tells me he loves me everyday. I don't know why he still wants me...