Single in med school, pregnant, little support system, confused and scared

I think there are two questions you need to answer: 1) what kind of doctor do you want to be? Do you want to be a good doctor, a prepared doctor, a confidant doctor? Do you want to be the best doctor you can be?

2) what kind of mother do you want to be? Do you want to be there at all? Do you want your child to know you as their mother or as someone they see a few times a week? Do you want to read to your child, to teach it to walk and talk?

Unfortunately, because of your lack of support you can't have both of these things. Let's say you don't mind being a really shitty mom, and you get childcare in one of two forms: 1. A 24 hour nanny. These are expensive. Also, you have to pay them to be available 24 hours a day. You can't just pay them when you happen to need them. If you can't give them concrete hours then you have to pay them for the time they're expected to be available, which is 24 hours a day. You are essentially paying a stranger to raise your kid. 2. A relative moves in with you. This is selfish and they will probably resent you because they will end up raising the kid. This isn't "mom can you watch billy while I go to class twice a week?" This is " mom can you raise my child for me while I get all the credit?"

As you can see, neither are good options. The reason people aren't posting on here with their personal stories is because there are no single mothers with no support system that complete surgical residencies. Simple as that, they do not exist because it is physically impossible. That is not a challenge, but a fact. It doesn't matter how organized you are. A bank is not going to give you a loan for a 24 hour nanny.

So where does this leave you? It sounds like you're not a fan of abortion, otherwise you wouldn't be here. That fine and is your right. Adoption is a really great option. You get to birth the baby and then a really nice couple with 9-5 jobs can bring said baby to baseball games and ballet. They'll be there for the kids birthday and Christmas, two things that you are not likely to be able to attend or afford. Hell, you can even get an open adoption so you can see the kid now and then.

I think if you want to raise the baby yourself, you should plan on taking off the next 5 years. Until then, childcare will be to expensive and you'll miss too much of the child's life. At 5, the kid goes to kindergarten which is free daycare all day. Hopefully at some point during those five years you will find a partner. This partner can stay home at night when you're gone and parent your child while you are in school. It's not perfect but it's potentially possible. Please note, this option does not guarantee your kid will not hate you. I go to a lot of therapy and struggle with very difficult emotions towards my father because he traded my childhood for his OBGYN residency and fellowship. I never saw him, and I hate him for it, regardless of the lives he saved. He had a responsibility to be my father and despite being one of the most intelligent and organized people I know, he failed terribly.

Little anecdote: my dad is a perinatologist. For the non med folks, that means he does high risk pregnancy and delivery as well as some fetal surgery and anything related to maternal-fetal medicine. He specializes in a procedure where you deliver the baby preterm via c section, do not cut the umbilical cord, perform surgery on the baby and then put it back in the uterus to develop to term. Insane, I know. Every single woman his practice has hired has had to quit because of kids. Because the hours, even AFTER fellowship were too much.

TLDR: be a good doctor, be a good mom. Pick one.

/r/TwoXChromosomes Thread