This is difficult terrain to navigate, and to your credit, your friend clearly did not have the vocabulary to express his valid fears and pain caused by his ex. I hope you aren't too hard on yourself. I've been in a number of situations where I felt emotionally dominated and controlled by women I've been involved with, whether that feeling was overt or subtle.

I have a few women friends who have even apologized to me for not realizing what I was dealing with until I was quite deep into the woods — and I don't use misogynistic language like Carlos did here. I think it's great you're seeing the lessons here, and it's always good to ask questions of people who complain about their partners.

When it was me, I had already been seeing a therapist for a while when I was leaving a really bad situation with someone. I think what I needed at the time was someone explaining to me how abuse works, and how to recognize it when you're on the inside. The trouble I've had in the past was I assumed I had it all coming — the harsh, personal criticisms, the confusion, conflicting memories, and the general feeling of being overwhelmed and alone.

When you talk to him about this, maybe explain what certain terms are like gaslighting, manipulation, verbal abuse, etc. I think language is crucially important in how we perceive what men experience when they are on the receiving end of abuse and other toxic relationship dynamics. And don't be afraid to correct the sexism in his language at the same time. He'll be thankful for it someday.