Last Saturday, I got blackout drunk at a party, and I might have lost three very close friends because of what happened after I can't remember anything. I know it's my own fault, but I don't know what to do. I've been in constant panic mode since Sunday, I spend Tuesday and Friday almost entirely in bed trying to sleep, because I couldn't handle any of my emotions. I'm so confused since they're all sending me very mixed signals (on Sunday it seemed like we could easily get through it, when I was writing with all three of them and they told me what happened, but two of them blocked me on Messenger during the week, despite me not writing them since the weekend, and when we were some people hanging out at our student bar last night, they ignored me being there completely), and I can't figure out, if they're actually interested in figuring things out and just need some time, or if they've completely given up on me. I'm so broken inside, I miss them so much, and I really just want my friends back! :(

I've also given up on alcohol completely after this, because after starting HRT, it's way too easy for me to get blackout drunk, and nothing good ever comes from getting there.