I know the best option is to leave, but I am truly enmeshed. I've been in a now 11 year relationship, married for 1. I watch a lot of healthygamergg on YT but I have to ask here because I'm losing hope.

We both met at 17 and things went well for many years. There were little issues here and there but nothing beyond the normal realm of relationships. We moved in together right before the pandemic. I have "mental health issues" which I'm beginning to think isn't really the issue, but since 2018 I've been doing therapy/meds/lifestyle/anything to try and overcome them. He was getting more and more depressed from work (retail) and tried different stores to no real avail.

Then we decided in 2021 to get married on our 10 year anniversary. It didn't help that we were planning in 2020 lockdowns and it was scheduled for winter. It didn't help his brother got engaged in 2020 and they planned to get married in 2021 assuming we would also be married at the same time and there was a lot of worry and competition we didn't want to have. I also got very nervous because my family can be difficult (parents were refusing to let it be vegan despite not paying anything (I paid for almost everything or made it myself,) my mother at one point wanted to wear white, etc.) and I was bedridden twice for several weeks at a time and had no bridal party so kind of had to do everything on my own. Maybe I just wasn't well enough to think coherently.

So the week of his brother's wedding and a few months before our own he slapped me. He said it was due to not being able to handle the noises I made having a panic attack. I used to really hate myself for that, and doubled down on my own therapy- in my country there are fairly long waiting lists. But I still married him- we all make mistakes and I convinced myself it would just be once. It wasn't once. The second time I had been triggered having sex, the third time he hit me with a pillow when my back was turned mid argument and said it didn't count. The fourth time was this NYE when he pinned me down and covered my mouth and nose with his hand and yelled at me to shut up because I was drunk and yelled at him. In all honestly that was all my fault, but it disturbed me how quickly he flipped again.

Last August he did a lot of weird things. Firstly I think he revealed he lied about his savings as at the time we were looking for a house and going through mortgage options. I don't remember how or why he confessed but I think it was mid argument to distract from another issue. It really hurt. Then when I had a panic attack a few days later and hyperventilated again he pretended to faint in the other room, throwing the coffee table to the side but the tray on top was intact. I was scared and in shock and kept saying "You've got to be joking" but in reality was about to call an ambulance. Instead he sat up and admitted he did it for attention. Then he refused to sit next to me on the bus saying "I'm not your slave" (he is not a Kevin and Perry fan, this was meant to be serious) because I was mad at him for lying. The bus incident may have been before the fainting it's hard to recall. He had already moved out a week to "work on himself" and saying he wanted a divorce. He kept saying he wanted a divorce, would take back what he said and then undivorce me, only to redivorce me. He wouldn't tell me at the time but currently he's saying it's from the guilt of hitting me. Instead he said stuff like "I've never loved you."

I don't want to get too long but this year is almost the same. It's January and he's lied again, he yelled at me in a shop and he was physical on NYE. We have both had covid and been housebound which hasn't helped. A few days ago he was negative and went 'back to work' but brought home TP and kitchen roll when I had only ordered TP (we order to his work as we live in an apartment) and I questioned him. It took hours but he eventually admitted that the following day had already been booked off and he was planning to just wander about and pretend he was working to me. A few more hours and it turns out he hadn't even gone to work that day, he had gone to his parents and said that I knew about it to them. His whole family knew he was on holiday. He even called me 'from work' to ask about taking off holiday and I said he should take it when I wasn't ill so we could do things together. He even came home and kissed me and said how he was stuck doing forms for hours as if it was all true. THEN, he admits for the past 8 months he has been faking therapy. Sometimes I have to work from home and he has had fake 45 minute conversations so if I use the bathroom I will hear him talking. I'm so devastated. After he hit me the first time he went to therapy, he just lied about it not ending. For 8 months. Me working around him, him telling me what his therapist said. Him complaining that they weren't helping him.

I can't go home. To be completely honest my mother has supported me, but I can't go home. My parents abused me as a child and whilst I have a slightly better relationship now I attribute that to low contact. My sister is also displaying a lot of schizophrenic traits and can be quite violent like our dad (diagnosed Schizophrenic) and unlike my husband I think she could easily overpower me in rage. My mother has a drinking problem and when she is drunk it is difficult. She also likes to talk about my grandfather who in therapy I have had the beginnings of recollection of abuse about. I can't handle living with her and not also drinking and revealing things- I accidentally revealed it to my stepdad last time I got drunk with them and in my family everyone drinks and smokes. I will also struggle to get to work as I will be in a different town and I like my income. My mother has said many times to quit and move home.

I think my abuse as a kid has blinded me to the toxic things in my own relationship and between my mother being "sick of hearing [me] cry" and saying she can't be bothered to come to actively drinking when I begged her to come and get me - and him threatening suicide if I leave (and he knows I've been suicidal since 14 and struggled with it all my life and have never threatened someone with suicide ever) I feel so trapped. I feel like there's no hope.

Even if I end the relationship how on earth will I ever date again? If we do split is there anything that can be done for pathological liars? He seems so heartless/flat but he mentions guilt and says it's depression/anxiety so is he potentially narcissistic or can anxiety really cause all this? He has no childhood trauma but he was jealous of his brother growing up and resents his parents not pushing him. But he dropped out of art school and although he works hard and does chores and validates me and my identity/pronouns and all this other great stuff I just can't figure out if I can salvage this and if so how. And if I have to leave how do I keep my sanity and mental health intact.