no one has ever met the "real" me. each person in my life has seen a fake fabricated version of myself. its not that I'm insecure or hate who I really am I just fake it with everyone for many reasons weather it be for my own selfish gain or for pure amusement. If you talked to everyone that has been in my life and asked what they thought of me you would think they were talking about completely different people. I personally love fucking with peoples emotions. You would be surprised by how dumb people are. In reality I just hate mankind. Hell I have had people go into emotional breakdowns after I flat out tell them I never cared about them and I got "bored" with them and told them to basically fuck off because they have pent up in their mind im the best person and friend in their life. I lack emotion and empathy for people. It has gotten to the point where now im alone all the time doing whatever the fuck amuses me at the moment. Usually that means I get fucked up on pills and roam the streets until I come down and im sick and utterly bored. I have no idea why everyone naturally trusts me. Ive been told I just have this trait about me that im very trusting and overall seem like an amazing person. Its all an act. How do I deal with it? I don't really deal with it since its in my nature. I guess I deal with lacking emotion by my drug abuse. At least when im high I feel "fake" emotion which is nice to feel alive even if its only for a short duration of time. I know im not a good person. I don't think I ever will be. My only goal in life is just to survive the day without wanting to completely go off the grid and disappear, become homeless, and never have to deal with people at all because it utterly bores me to be around people even if being around said person is in my benefit as in free drugs, or shear entertainment because I will go weeks without talking to a soul and I end up thinking maybe if I go out and hang with a "friend" I wont feel so shitty and empty but im always dead wrong. Its quite strange how I come off as someone that's spewing out emotion, is very charismatic and incredibly spastic/thrill seeking adventurous person when im just done with life. I haven't always been this way I used to be fueled by angst, emotion, and pure adrenaline. I miss those days. I would be in my room and blast black flag, iggy pop and the stooges, old AFI, Megadeth and would literally tear my room apart like a one man mosh pit. I had countless poems and artwork and was a hopeless romantic. I used to be a very dark but beautiful person as if I was a walking The Cure song. Now im just dark and empty and hopeless. Ive never told anyone this and I don't plan on it. Oh and btw im barely even 20 and I already feel like this. Like a bitter old fuck.

TLDR: Once was a very ecstatic person, now a soulless heartless fuck