How would you say that 4’s embrace negative emotions secretly within them? This is what first got me thinking I was a 4.

I have a lot of shameful self-harm and sabotaging tendencies, which I never expose to other people due to its disturbing reality and a lack of trust in talking about it. I think me engaging in those behaviours but in secrecy makes me come across as more 9 to people as a result.

As for following what I want to do, I usually would wind up doing that all through my life (with taking other people’s emotions that I care about into account of course, cause that influences what I want to do) until the past year, but I was caught up in 4 very intense unhealthy relationships (with one of them looking back on being verbally abusive and filled with gaslighting) back to back, and it made me lose any sense of “myself” in the process.