I don’t know if I can keep fighting

I’ve never fit in cos of my ASD at preschool they told my mum you’re daughter has “issues” because all I wanted to do was watch the big pet caterpillars and not play like the other “normal” kids- then high school I got my head smash to a brick wall, in grade 7 so I ran and started hitch hiking home down the highway, I never returned so have no education. Then I growing up I had parents that always fought and not just verbally, I’ve seen mum bashed up badlyyyy, I’ve seen horrific shit a young teenager should see, my parents are still married & I still live with them because I’m unable to live alone because I’m on the spectrum & have Chronic health problems- I was diagnosed with M.S at age 18 and then idiopathic intracranial hypertension, & POTS postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome, everyday is a battle. I’m on strong pain medication my doctor prescribed me years ago now it’s some kind of morphine diladid I think is called & I have lots here enough to overdose on well and truly, I have had 2 failed attempts, my mama who I adore found me the 1st time in my bed and when she got home from work doing night fill I was in my bed gurgling she said and the air lifted me to the Alfred & I was in a coma for 3 days, they said to my parents be prepared to make arrangements for my passing in case because I was critical & they said if I do wake I suffered something called hypoxia and I’ll have permanent brain impaired which I am, I’m not retarded but I’m get confused easy and kinda like mild dementia - the second one I wasn’t intubated and in a coma but I had to be resused, that was 2 years ago now, I don’t abuse my medication, but now If I miss a dose I get so sick it’s hell on earth, my dad can get angry and just last week there was a disagreement and he rammed me with a chair and caused me not nice injuries and a gash in my shin, my body is still all bruised but I still blame myself, my dad is a big strong man and I always am respectful to him and respect my elders it happened because I had a meltdown in my own bedroom and threw my TV remote control and it it the wall, but didn’t break it, but I shouldn’t have, I lost my little sister when I was younger, so I’ve grown up an only child, I saw her die and I have PTSD & get flashbacks, my therapist knows all of this except for my dad pumbling me :-( I just don’t want to get him in trouble in case she is like a madater reporter, so I’m laying on my bed now in my room alone with just my thoughts… I recently had surgery and the surgeon fuc*ed it up and now I have a huge incisional hernia that now I need another surgery for, I also recently had all my teeth extracted under general anasetic because of my medication it destroyed all my teeth, I have no friends because I don’t have a license & I never go out because I’m not well enough to walk because of my POTS & M.S if I do my heart rate goes upto 180bpm and I’ll just faint, I don’t see a way out I don’t, laying here in this tired aching body, I was contemplating going to church this morning but my dad wouldn’t drive me there. I feel like I’m a prisoner in my house & there’s a whole world out there living. I’m not sexually active, never has a partner, when we occasionally goto the shops me $ mum ppl say how pretty I am but I think I’m average but it makes me feel a bit better about myself. I feel like everything is my fault, I should not have upset my dad, he has bad depression and anxiety like me. I watch YouTube & tik tocks all day because I don’t have a life, I don’t know how to change it, so I don’t see a way out, please please excuse my poor spelling and grammar. Thank you for even caring about me :-(

/r/SuicideWatch Thread Parent