See I thought of the self esteem thing but then I don't know. Not to be vain, but I see tons of girls with a lot of confidence that aren't 'conventionally pretty', which I personally think I am so I figure I'm pretty if that makes sense.

I sometimes think that maybe I just feel inadequate when I look at women that I find 'hot' and that it's just a confidence thing and if I learned how to be all dolled up it'd be different. However, I must admit I hate being dolled up. I mostly do it out of social pressure. Whenever I tell my female friends to help me with makeup that I feel like I don't measure up and that I've never really learnt proper makeup since I grew up a tom-boy, they just laugh it off.

I honestly don't know. The questioning comes and goes. It's little stuff that trips me out. Like say I wear a dress. I feel like I'm a male cross-dressing, even thought I can definitely look hot in one, I just dissociate.

Same with seeing myself in the mirror, I dissociate, like the reflection I see isn't me. So that's why I hate looking.

HAhaha but I will say I remember as a toddler once I was bathing in the same bath as my brother and he did this thing where he basically put his penis between his legs to make it look like a vagina and joking around. I remember trying to do the same thing, getting jealous that I couldn't - I don't think I realized at the time that I was a little girl.

Fuck honestly sometimes YES I do wish I wasn't born a girl. It'd be easier in a lot of ways, although I don't think it makes me necessarily trans. All I know is that I can't relate to other women and I tend to fake it a lot.

Does that mean anything?