Yeah, I'm pretty lonley. Tried antidepressants and talk therapy with a sliding scale clinic, but they cut me off and told me to go to the VA. I'm not a 20 year vet, only 8 year, so I don't think I'm ellibble. Even if I am, I don't want that shit on record. I had to lie about that in the past, like with a seasonal job I had once in the nuclear field. And I only got that through nepotism because my cousin is a recruiter. Still, seasonal means maybe two or three weeks a year of work, which even at $19/hr, I can't live off of. So I went to community college to get a "programming for the enterprise" degree with my GI Bill, but I can't seem to get a job with it. Most of my teachers (old ladies) didn't even know the content. Class time was homework time. And they don't check the homework. All semester goes ungraded on Blackboard then you get an A at the end. I'm not good enough to create an actual application. And that was over a year ago, so if I wanted to create a "hello world" app in the console in Java, I'd have to Google it. I can't remember shit. The whole reason I went to that sliding scale clinic was so I could try adderall given that I can't even read a paragraph in the textbooks without having to start over. But they made me take depression stuff instead and it didn't do anything with my disposition. I mean, I'm a quick learner and can figure out how to do anything with Google and YouTube, but I don't retain it.

I'm just tired of living. Dating sites don't work. Hiking meetup groups don't work. This past month I started going to the local bar after losing the latest temp job. I'm a lightweight and before this I probably only drank maybe four times a year. But I went probably 15 times in the past month. And still, I'm just the creepy guy that sits and the end of the bar that nobody talks to. I don't even get the opportunity for a refill because I'm ignored. I don't know what to do. I'm in my mid 30's and living with my grandma. I have a college degree and deployed twice, but I have nothing to show for it.

When my gram dies, I will be homeless. I've never even tried weed, but maybe I'll become and addict because that's what such people do. At this point, I don't even care if I get aids, because at least I'll have some sense of intimacy. I'm tired of living.