It is twelve months for me today and I'm having the hardest time keeping it together. Hard to not stare at the clock and relive this day.

I wanted to tell you that I wouldn't take any of that as people hoping you'll suffer in silence and just get on with it. I think there just comes a point where they're not sure what to say...and, let's be honest, there's nothing they CAN say. Nothing that will help at least. They care about you and love you, but its undeniably awkward, death.

It's also awkward because no one can win. I'm never happy with any emotion offered to me. You want to call right now and check on me? Thanks, but where were you when I was screaming into my pillow at 3 AM? ...That's ridiculous. You want to call me at 3 AM because you're thinking about me? Don't they understand I need my space!? No one can win with me and I think I make it extra hard to be my friend (by accident, of course).

Also, am I alone on this next bit? ....It's so hard for me to see people happy. That makes me sound a monster, but it's TRUE, and that feeling has made me ditch social media almost entirely..I used to be very active on social media (I play music for a living and it's a part of the job description)....but I've all but given it up. I have 5,000 friends on there that I wouldn't recognize if they walked straight up to me. It feels so personal that I have a difficult time talking about it full stop. I'm proud of you for being honest and not just swallowing it down. That is what I usually end up doing. Choking it down until I feel like I can't breathe. It's much better to let it out, amd I am so proud of you for being open. Keep on doing what comes natural.

I'm sorry you're struggling. So much of what you said resonated with me.