For those of you in trauma therapy...

This is so complicated, I understand your emotions about it, but I also understand your therapist's boundary setting. And the reason you're reading about people not having had a boundary set, is probably because often a boundary doesn't get set until it's established there's a need for one.

The exact details of the phone calls and what you thought was and wasn't okay aren't that important, what it comes down to is that you used the phone more than your therapist found reasonable. Maybe he should've been clearer? I don't know. This gets complicated. Because saying "once a week for 5 minutes is okay" is like an invite to call and also a boundary that's maybe too strict, like what if one week you need two calls?

Anyway, what it sounds like to me is that you feel like you made a big mistake and were punished and you wan't to unwind the clock, go back in time and undo it. Which is impossible. I also understand why it feels like you did something wrong, I really do, I'm hypersensitive to criticism. So if I did something that resulted in somebody feeling the need to set a boundary with me it would hurt and make me sick to my stomach and it would be hard to move on from.

From my perspective you should

  • accept that there was a boundary set, whether this is fair or not doesn't matter, these things happen

  • work on the underlying anxiety and fears from feeling like you did something wrong

  • stop trying to convince your therapist that you're "right" and he's "wrong" - I'm pretty sure he does not view it in those terms

  • don't try to get your therapist to remove the boundary, he won't for now, and what you're asking for is for him to somehow make you believe that you didn't make a mistake, and he can only do that by winding back time - but that does not solve the underlying issue of your intense reaction to this

Obviously all of what I'm saying could be wrong and I'm misreading it, but I really think you're struggling more with wanting to control the situation and bring it back to a comfortable place and time, one where you had not inadvertently done something that another person perceived as 'not the right way'. But you can't go back, you can only go forward. And if you can accept that this happened, that it's not the end of the world, that maybe you asked for too much or maybe you didn't (who can really say objectively) then you can find that calm again. But this battle of wills with your therapist? It's a losing game. You can't make him see this your way or resolve this in the way you think is best.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh in any way, I am really just trying to help you because I can see how stuck you are in this and how it's hurting you. I hope you can take a step back and look at the entire situation and see it from a different perspective, one that brings you less distress.

/r/TalkTherapy Thread Parent