When I got into my next real relationship. My college boyfriend and guys in high school had let them push him around using all of the horrible tactics I learned from my parents, who hate each other. Classic crazy bitch stuff, like never letting them win an argument by always having something in my back pocket that they had done to "hurt my feelings." I genuinely thought arguing with my boyfriend wasn't over until I had "won" or made my point, usually not until he was crying or back to doing things to please me again. I would visit my ex in college and use sex to keep him from going to class, because we were long distance and I was resentful of that time away from me — of course, I was an art student and he's a biologist, so I was really fucking him up with things like going to class, sticking to the budget he had for himself (at 18, I was baffled that he wouldn't spend his savings to buy me candy and pizza when we were broke for a couple of days). The poor guy really did a lot to make me happy, but I was a miserable person and couldn't be made happy anyway.

Eventually he got the guts to cheat on me, and we broke up right away. I can't blame him or be angry at him, he dated that girl for a while afterward and from what I know she was always a good friend and girlfriend to him. Now he's engaged to a cute, good woman and she is pregnant. I'm still with the man I met after him, although I had to take over a year off of dating beforehand to sort out my own personal demons — with therapy, mostly. I had been extremely immature and depressed before and felt the need to make people prove how much they cared about me, because typical friendship wasn't even registered behind my sad haze. Not excusing my behavior at all, I'm just looking back and seeing my bad behavior as an indicator that I was in no place to be in any relationship in the first place, until I got myself sorted out.

My next serious, post-college boyfriend was a little older and used to dating crazy girls, and as soon as I tried any power games he would say things like "cut that shit out, right now." I would double down with my crazy (What do you mean I can't talk to exes and give my number out? You don't trust me?), and he would explain how my actions were impacting his perception of me. He told me he could love me, could marry me, but not if I wasn't someone he could rely on to be (mostly) emotionally steady (with exceptions for my depression, which can flare up every so often). I was so into him I was willing to change my behavior, and about a year into our relationship I started to notice how much more smoothly things ran between us, how much more respect there was, all the reasons for being a rational fucking human. I'm ashamed of the way I used to act, but proud of myself for learning my lesson and proud of the way I can handle conflict now. Even if my guy and I break up now, I'm positive that I'll move into my next relationship with the tools he taught me. I'm just lucky I didn't chase him away, too.