I attempted suicide in 2012. I ended up in ICU for 7 days before an involuntary admission to a psych hospital in Tennessee, I live in South Carolina. Instead of going to work on a Monday morning I emptied my bank account and only knew I was going to the west coast, not a clue why I was doing it. In the few years prior I had bought 4 motorcycles, joined a motorcycle gang, did lots of drugs, spent $15k on camera equipment and a few other things completely out of character. Prior to the suicide attempt I had been off drugs and alcohol for over 6 months.
I was diagnosed bipolar I and the hospital psychiatrist started antidepressants, a mood stabilizer and an antipsychotic. I was discharged home and started seeing a local doctor. I was in complete denial of my diagnosis. Even though I am a nurse and knew I was showing classic bipolar symptoms. My family didn't know what to do, but they were supportive.
Over the next 5 years I was on and off medications. I was fired by 3 psychiatrists for noncompliance and had a couple psych admissions. In 2017 I was referred to a new psychiatrist. This psychiatrist started me on Vyvanse and evekio. Huge doses of Vyvanse too, 60mg twice daily plus an afternoon dose of evekio or Adderall. He was well aware of my diagnosis and history. I soon started abusing these meds. It recreated the euphoric mania that I loved. Over a year and a half I was in active addiction, and my psychiatrist was my supplier. I did some terrible things. My doctor wore custom suits and drove a $100k+ sports car. I started noticing while sitting in his lobby, patients would go back for 5 minutes and come out with prescriptions. He was a pill mill who only accepted cash or private insurance.
In 2018 I stopped seeing this doctor. I knew I was abusing meds as much as he was abusing his license. I hit rock bottom. I had a psychotic break and ended up in an involuntary admission. I was referred to the local mental health clinic and met the best psychiatrist I've ever known. I also started seeing a dual diagnosis therapist in the clinic. I have been compliant with medications and therapy. I love my therapist too. She has finally helped me realize the areas in my mind and my life that needed to change.
I have never felt this current level of stability since I was a child. I am working full-time again, I still have my nursing license. I am still married to my wife and we are raising out 2 beautiful children.
The difference between me during my suicide attempt and me now is mostly being sober and having the strength to take ownership of my life. Negative things still happen. But now I know I can monitor and control my reaction. I still cycle but medications and therapy keep me from the extreme ends. Life is good now.