As someone who has had alopecia for about 8 years, it's so good to see a group of women who get it. I don't talk about it openly like.... at all. Not to my friends, not even to my family, honestly. I've never seen a therapist (which would probably be good, but I don't know I just never got around to it.) so I've just bottled up my emotions the entire time.
It started off in middle school and to this day I remember two things that still haunt me. First time was when I liked this boy and he literally told me to my face that he would like me back if it weren't for my hair. Second time was when I caught two of my "friends" talking shit about me to each other. I had messaged one on AIM (throwback) and I guess my chat popped up while she was typing to the other person and she sent me "she needs to get rogaine or something" and it just crushed me. Especially since it wasn't even that bad then.
Eventually, we started visiting doctor after doctor after doctor, and after endless amounts of blood tests and biopsies my parents and I sort of gave up, and I decided I was just going to shave it and use one of the bonded wigs. Part of me felt better when I did, but then a bigger part was constantly worried about other people knowing it was a wig. Anytime someone would look at my hair I would get anxious because my thoughts immediately went to "oh my god they're judging me because they totally know this isn't my hair." I wish I had the confidence to just shave it all off and go bald, but I already have low self-esteem as it is, so at least pretending to have hair make me feel a little better.
I just wish we lived in a society that wasn't so wrapped up in looks and focused on the superficial things, but unfortunately the world will never be like that. Whenever I see a girl with beautiful hair I can't help but get jealous, especially because I used to have gorgeous long, curly hair. Then, I start to think about relationships (considering I've never been in a real one or even had sex) and it scares me because I don't know how to handle my situation. If I start dating someone do I tell them after a few dates, or do I wait until it's more serious? But then what if they feel betrayed because I kept this secret from them? It's just all so exhausting, and I wish I didn't have to worry about these things, but they're a part of my life and I need to learn to accept them!
So sorry about the long rant, but this is the first time I let any of this out and it feels pretty fucking great. I'm always down to chat with anyone about these issues so you're all free to message me at anytime!!!! Here's to just owning who we are :)