Ugh. Knew this guy for 15 years maybe, 15 years ago, I liked him but so did my friend and they got into a relationship for a few years. They don't work out, but are still on good terms. I end up getting into a relationship with a guy who is a compete mess, we don't work out either but are on good terms. This guy and my ex end up becoming great friends, and the three of us hang out every so often. One night, we're hanging out drinking a little, the guy comes into my room and lays down next to me. We kiss a little bit. I am at the time going through some emotional shit and I turn away, I may have cried. He says, "I just don't want you to stop smiling." Ahhhh.
The next day he sends me an angry message on Facebook, I don't respond because I want to talk to him in person, but I never got the chance.
A few years later I am talking to a guy, who happens to live almost next door to this guy and of course they end up being great friends. I was really into the guy I was talking to but after awhile I realize we don't have much in common and I try to break it off with him. He didn't really let me and I was stupid and thought a could still be friends and drink together. I was a mess. Have I mentioned that yet? A compete mess. Guy I am taking to/breaking it off with has sex with me, we used the pull out method (stupid, yes). He stops right before he would normally pull out, there is awkward moment, he had consciously made the decision not to pull out, so I would get pregnant, and not leave him (he admitted this to me shortly after she was born and I can not forgive him for that. I'm trying. But I can't).
I left him after that. I did get pregnant but didn't know it right away. I'm still a mess drinking a lot, when I find out I am terrified, alone, and couldn't use any of my usual coping methods. I talk to the guy one night, in my hormonal state, tell him how I wish I hadn't have fucked that up between us and the entire thing is awkward and eventually he tells me he has to go.
I ended up trying to make things right with the father, we get married because I am genuinely trying to make it work for my daughters sake and I truly want to keep that promise to him, but... Well, I'm trying.
Sometimes I run into the guy and he looks at me and smiles, I try to talk to him and it's still awkward, I can't tell if he wants me to talk to him or leave him alone. I think about him often, I try to push him out of my head, but I can't seem to keep him out for long.
The thing is, had we pursued it back then, it wouldn't have worked, we were both too much of a mess. In some way, I'm glad we didn't ruin it then. I think he's the closest thing I'll ever know to romantic love and had we ruined it then, I wouldn't have that tiny shred of hope to hold on to.