I have my walls set very high. Someone jokingly said I do not have simple walls but a fortress. Which is probably true. Especially in real life. I am seen as overly serious and not much social. I have trouble opening up to real life people and making new relations. I am usually a loner. That's probably because I do not want to put myself into a vulnerable position. If I open up and the people will see all my vulnerabilities, they will no longer like me or think little of me.
I am more open online, but if someone offends me I do not take it lightly. I got very attached to a girl I met online. She was the first person to ever talk about more private matters and let my guard down completely. We were very different on some aspects but I really liked her. I told her that.She seemed to like me too. But it eventually ruined everything. We used to talk for hours every day about everything. I always tried to be there for her, cheer her up when she was feeling down...
She started behaving and saying mean things. She would dissapear for weeks or simply ignore me. When she'd come she would always start a quarrel out of nothing and accuse me that I do not listen to her, I do not understand her, I don't care, etc. Basically portraying me into an asshole or a monster and nothing I would say or do was ever ok. Saying very hurtful things, etc.
I had my moments when I would get very angry with her but I could never hate her or say things as hurtful as she did. I felt like I love her. I would feel very sorry when she'd say she cried because of me. And I always missed her when she wouldn't talk. Keep searching for any news from her...Keep compromising when she'd start talking again, with no apologies or explanations.
Eventually she ended up demonizing me, dissapointing me beyond belief and breaking my heart repeatedly with no remorse or care. She left to great 'murica to meet some great 'murican soldier. That apparently cared for her and understood her better than me in just a few months.(I invested years, a lot of energy and emotions, sleepless nights to comfort her, reading a lot about her problems to better understand her reactions and help her, making her my top priority. I honestly doubt anyone would have struggled as much as I did or understand as much as I did. But it didn't matter)
Truth is the more you struggle and compromise, the less you are appreciated. Cause the other person just takes everything for granted and fails to see the effort behind it all and the obvious caring that makes it all possible.
I'd like to be able to move on quickly. Not the case. I still think of her very often. I have been very depressed for some time now and my own life is far from where or how it should be. Nobody to for me what I did for her. Still can't hate her though. Wish I would.
Girls like to complain saying:''Why do guys not talk about feelings? Open up more? I'd wish he would trust me more and tell me everything.'' Experience has taught me that is pretty much always complete bullshit. Cause I have seen the same girls, soon after the guys in their lives did talk about it, saying what hurts them and such, bitching that ''what sort of a man is so sensitive? Or talks so much about love? do i have a man next to me or what?'''and stuff like that. It's just like with the ''Men don't cry is so stupid. It's perfectly ok for a man to cry too''. Then when she actually sees him cry she can barely hide her disgust or feels ashamed anyone may see what a wimp she has for a man.