I cry when I think about my ex girlfriend leaving me. This sounds pretty normal but we've been broken up for over 3 years and I'm still not over it. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself or that I'll attract a girl that'll be able to hold a candle to her.

I messed things up by not having my shit together and her getting fed up with it. I was going through a state of depression and wasn't working like I should have. It caused financial difficulty and she got sick of me being a loser. She knew she was better than me and deserved someone who wasn't such a fuck-up. My mind goes to thinking about how things would have been different if I had better work ethic, or if I was smarter, or better professionally, or had better self-esteem. Maybe if I was better at sex. I don't know. I think she might have cheated on me near the end.

Since losing her, I've been an emotional wreck. There are times where I can't stop crying. There are times where I feel so dead inside that I can't bring myself to cry. I don't feel like I have a will to continue or like there's even a purpose to life for me. I don't know if I didn't feel like that when we were still together but at least I had a partner that I felt was perfect for me.

My lack of motivation has led to a lot of reckless behavior since our breakup. I simply don't care what happens to me. I've gotten 2 DUIs, had sex with a bunch of girls I don't give a shit about, and developed a heroin habit. Heroin helps me when I feel like I can't muster up the strength to cry like I need to. As a downer, it helps me grieve.

I really hate what my life has become as a result of losing her. I don't feel like I deserve redemption and I hate myself to the very core. I have people around me who care but I wish they wouldn't because I know how worthless I am. My grandma emailed me the other day to tell me she's praying that I'll find my way home because she knows I miss it. I live in another state after moving at the recommendation of my therapist and I don't think I regret anything, aside from losing my girlfriend, more than taking his advice.

I cried thinking about the email. She wants the best for me and wants to hear positive developments in my life but I've got nothing for her. Only despair and regret. I want to commit suicide. All I really want is to end it all. But I can't do it because I don't want to hurt the people who care about my undeserving ass. I've lost friends like that before and I don't want to inflict that on my family. I feel trapped. And that makes me cry.