I have the support of my wonderful boyfriend thankfully, and my best friend knows as well. My family doesn't know because this happened before they knew about my boyfriend and they don't know that we've made love. While I know my friend and boyfriend are there for me, I don't like to talk about it too much because I don't want to overwhelm them.

As for the goodbye, well it probably differs greatly from what others would do. The pregnancy and loss of the child brought my boyfriend and I very close and showed how much we really loved each other. We felt that the spirit of the child needed to be with us in that time in order to bring us closer and to teach us many lessons. My life has changed greatly since this happened and so has his. We decided to name the child and assume a gender, and that made us feel a wave of peace about this. The names we chose (first and middle) mean lively and bright, because her spirit is very much alive to us, and she was a brightness shining guidance into our lives when we both needed it. We also made a big decision that on the day that our child would have been born, we will celebrate. Why? Because if she had survived, we would have had a happy day, surrounded by friends and family. So, we decided to make it a good day with friends and family in her honour, and to show her spirit that she is welcome to return and be born to us when we are all ready. Of course, we do mourn our loss a lot, but I feel that the day she would have arrived should be happy.

I don't know of any pregnancy loss groups, but it might be a good thing for me to reach out to. I have been to the doctor, but it was to get birth control (both because of this and due to heavy/painful periods). Honestly, I hate hospitals. When I went about birth control, it was the first time I went in 7 years. I didn't mention the miscarriage because I just wanted to leave as soon as I could. Perhaps I should really brave it and go back to the doctor and tell them about this. Everything has been fine physically that I know of since however.

I am doing my best with this. It's very hard, giving a name and assuming a gender helped a lot, and I feel that as the due date approaches I will be having a hard time, but it will provide some sense of closure. I feel that as time goes on, we will both still be sad about this, but it will become easier, especially when we are ready for children and successfully have them. As of now, we proudly call ourselves parents, I don't know if it's right to call ourselves parents after a miscarriage, but we do.

I know that 18 is young for this. When it happened, I remember saying a few times that I was far too young to be facing this. Now it will be with me the rest of my life. We may never hold that child in our arms, but it will always be in our hearts.