However, I was talking to a girl on kik and she said that I was being quite defensive, and making things feel quite cold. I'd previously explained that I'm not looking for anything romantic, purely friendship and physical, which was cool, but apparently I was giving off a very protective vibe.
it's hard to say exactly what happened here, but i'd say just learn from it and move on. Divulge however much you feel comfortable with, whenever you feel comfortable doing so. Sometimes the "expectations" talk can wait until it needs to happen.
Perhaps I'm overthinking things, but I value what I have so much and wouldn't want anything to go wrong because of a dumb mistake or something like that.
as long as you stay within your arrangements, you'll be fine. Or at least you have to trust yourselves that you will be or it kind of becomes self-fulfilling.
Now that I can do things, and rationally it seems like a fantastic idea and definitely what I want, but I have no idea how to get that side back, or what it's like doing that outside the university sphere. I'm physically much more overweight, and whilst when it was mono there was no pressure to do any of these things, I've felt a certain awkwardness and anxiety return as it feels like interactions have an added weight or opportunity to them.
completely normal. feel free to "practice" and take it slow. No harm getting back in shape either.
This also plays into the open-relationship thing. When I was single, I could share every part of myself with someone, I didn't feel bad because I was sincere and could experience everything with anyone. Now, I have to keep my heart guarded, I feel superficial and shallow because really, what do I want? Friends are cool! But if I meet someone and want to go all the way, I can never give them my whole heart (and I wouldn't want to, only one person gets that).
this strikes me as a sort of silly thought process
PS online dating is fucking terrible for self confidence.
it's fucking terrible, but good practice/desensitization, and who knows, maybe you'll get lucky
tl;dr You sound like you're doing aight.