Well, a couple of problems:
I will not take meds. I have personal reasons for this but I not.
And yeah, my SO and I worked this out yesterday and today. The problem is I had extensive abuse as a child and a lot of different things act as triggers that I either don't recognize/can't recognize because of repression and mental blocks. I am slowly working on these things internally and with his help but I both cannot afford amd do not trust my shrink. I saw her when I was 15 and cutting and was able to convince her that I was fine so either she isn't very good or she knew I couldn't be helped at the time. I don't know.
The tl:dr of the problem (that we can logically conclude, that I have concluded) is I am completely invalidated as a person, have zero concept of trust and have been having fleas because of the depressive slump I've been in. I have my IUD removed and hormones have always been a problem, so it's kind of exacerbated.
Obviously I have an nMom. Dad was not really there most of my childhood, the GC sister was my target of projected rage and violence. I actually took that ACE test that was floating around recently...the Adverse Childhood Experience thing...I score 8/10. After having found this sub, taken that quiz and been going through everything here vs. My own life as I remember it and I'm....destroyed. i knew it was bad. I was in denial about how bad it really was. Essentially, I have been belching me emotions and reactions to this stuff out without a filter in desperate hope of finding that validation. I never expected to live to 30. Now I have a daughter and a reason and...gasp...LIFE GOALS...and I am completely out of my league. I have no idea how to handle what my brain is doing. I feel like I am crazy, but I am obviously not crazy so I'm really internally confused. I'm suspicious that my SO is also N, and I'm having a hard time trusting anything at all. I'm having a hard time focusing on anything but myself and it's taking its toll on my babu because she is just a toddler. She can't understand and I'm just sitting here in a daze for days on end while other people do other things and she begs for my attention