I have never felt more useless in my life, so I’ll give some backstory here. I have always suffered with issues of self-confidence and anxiety, I very stupidly put off learning to drive until last year… I am 27 this year. My wife urged me to get a job in the MOD and I finally landed one that is a 40 minute drive from where we live, and one that is completely unreasonable to get to via public transport as all options seem to take up to 3 hours for a 40 minute drive. I know I was foolish to put off learning to drive so long, everyone warned me and I didn’t listen.

Now I am entirely reliant on my wife to drive me to and from work like a chauffeur which has put massive strain on our relationship. The early starts, the unnecessary doubled fuel cost and the need to arrange alternate transport on days she can’t take me in like when she is on leave or needs to be elsewhere that day for her job. I know this is all self-inflicted as ultimately it was down to me to accept the job, but I was miserable in my last job and I was miserable in the job I accepted. I have now moved onto a different job in the same location, which I’m a lot happier in but it’s not the job that is ultimately causing my pain.

I have taken my driving test 3 times and failed now, first two times were silly mistakes but the latest attempt I made some dangerous errors. I am now looking at waiting until 31st of July to take it again and am starting to feel like I’m just going to fail every time, The driving test centre I need only opens two days a week so it gets booked up fast and cancellations are rare. I have become very cynical as of late and I just hate everything and am growing tired of life, I even have petty thoughts like hating people who can drive who don’t realise how fucking lucky they are. There is a week this month coming up where I have to figure out a way to work for five days straight and I don’t think I’m going to be able to it because ofhow hard it is to get public transport to where I’m going. All this failure and monotony has gotten the best of me and I honestly think I’m going to go through with it just to be done with it all.

Oh and before you say “why don’t you quit the job/get a different one”

I can’t. I have a mortgage, and on top of all this shit I have psoriasis, I’m horribly out of shape because I have no motivation to do anything because of all the other stuff I have to worry about, my house is in a complete state because we bought it off the in-laws who were horrible hoarders and left us with all of their shit to disposes/sell so it doesn’t even feel like “my house”. I get very little free time to myself, my wife and I may never be able to have children because of fertility issues and it’s just all too much. I guess I just wanted to vent because no one I talk to really cares or understands why I feel life is futile, but I think I’m definitely resigned to ending it.