Okay here's a fucking well of text I made while I'm half a sleep. Its probably gonna sound stupid and there's a high chance that I'm gonna delete this later, but here's my rant.

I'm planning on enlisting, although I've only talked to my recruiter once, and I've spent a while looking up information.

I don't know why society demands that we figure out what we want to do with our lives at the mere age of 18. During that time, we are still immature kids, who aren't even trusted with alcohol. But yet we are thrusted into a college major, and if we decide its not what we want, we get yelled at for wasting years of our live and thousands of dollars.

Some people have a dream that they made for themselfs when they were a kid, but my life has always been a uncertainty. Due to my dad's unstable profession we were constantly forced to move around and faced both poverty and prosperity. The situation kept changing, and with it I feared the incoming future too much to really care about what I'm doing in 20 years or so.

It didn't help that my mother was extremely sheltering of me because she was born in Karachi, Pakistan. There, the crime is absolutely horrible as the streets are full of bandits and littered with garbage and bugs. Terrorist attacks that fail to kill more than a couple of people are on the news for a while before being forgotten, simply because they are so many worse things going on that concern the Pakistan population. Hell last week, my mother's old college friend had her house robbed by a gang of 9 people who all had guns. They beat the oldest brother and held him at gunpoint when he tried to call the police. They took everything, not a single object of value was spared. This type of horror caused my mother to shelter me to a excessively crippling degree, which while makes sense in Karachi it simply doesn't apply here. Where I live, its safe. Right now I'm 20 years old and we live next to a daycare, 2 schools, and are a 5 minute drive from a police station. Crime in this area is non-existent, yet my mother is terrified by the proposition of me going out for a walk during the night. And when I was a child, she strongly discouraged me from communicating with white people of my age, as she is very racist and would rather let me lay down on the carpet and literally do nothing then let me socialize with other kids. She's my mother and she raised me and I love her, but sometimes I really want to fucking beat the shit out of her.

So right now, I'm a mechanical engineering student, who fucking sucks at higher level math. Stuff like algebra I excel at, but I have always struggled at Calculus and Statics. Yet my parents think I'm some fucking genius, because I did good at math when I was in elementry school, but was barely able to speak (because of the lack of communication with other english speaking kids), and was only good because that was all I ever did. By highschool I was just slightly above average in math and average in every other subject, yet the expectations are still there. I assume its a side result of my siblings failing to meet their own expectations. My sister became a psychotic bitch who went to a gothic episode before becoming taking drugs and becoming suicidal and causing pain to everyone. She went to college for like 6 years but she hasn't gotten her degree (she was studying art) and lives by herself and has completely cut off communication with the rest of my family. Meanwhile, my brother spent 7 years in college switching subjects until he got a degree in Biology and minor in Chemistry. After graduating he worked the floor at a bestbuy and now works as a teller at a bank. Hundred and thousands of dollars in college tuition, and nothing to show for it. So now all the hope from my parents have fallen onto me, and I can't do it either. I can probably study accounting, but my parents are fixated on me finishing in 4 years and refuse to let me switch, and they don't believe that accounting is pretentious enough.

So now I want to leave all this BS behind and take on some new BS in the army. I spent a couple of months slowly reading about different military branches. Eventually, I get the courage to head to the recruiting center, and head to the door of the Airforce recruiting station and pull on the door.... only to realize its closed. It didn't have any information about when they open either. I guess its call only? Either way the army recruiter was open. I walked in the building nervously, as it was my experience inside a building that was military related. I don't have any family or close friends that are in the military (mostly because everyone in my family is immigrants), and the recruiter senses my anxiety. He asks all the basic questions while assuring me I'll be fine. I gave a consideration about maybe telling him a bit of my BS that I listed above and the truth about why I'm interested in enlisting, but instead decide to play it noble and claim I'm interested in the disipline and camaraderie (something I both do admire considering that I have rather lazy, fat undisciplined parents by comparison and I've never had close friends due to moving every few years) and the rest of the talking with the recruiter goes well. I concern a bit over my weight (I'm 6'4" and 224 pounds) but he assures me I'll probably be fine and I get a bit more confident when he gets impressed after I get a 90 on the practice ASVAB. However he questions my willingness to join as he keeps my lack of confidence i n mind, and tells me to wait a while and ask my parents for approval as he knows lots of people like me who left college to join the army only to fail to finish boot camp.

I know my parents are gonna say no. Like I said earlier, they don't trust me to walk out at night in a really good neighborhood, there's no way in hell they are gonna let me join considering they think the military is all explosions and shit. But I'm still gonna wait I while before I talk to my recruiter again, as I have to prove myself that I'm not gonna give up easily so I exercise 2-3 hours a day until my body is sore.