I (28/f) went through this earlier in life during my late teens and early twenties and what I’ve found at this point is that I grew so much in the following years I found myself being a completely new person now, and I’ve come across guys who truly did love me, more than I love them and been on the other side, and I’ve also ended up in a happy relationship when I did decide to settle 5 years ago with the man I’ll spend my life with.

One day you will wake up and have become a new you that only comes with time, and I have two different feelings towards them.

One guy, A, ended it with me. I look back thankful he did because I realize at this age he was a narcissist and was using me. I was in love with who I was dreaming he could be but I was lost in my 19 year old dream of a beautiful older guy who said all the right words. He was a project who I wanted to help and fix and would string you along and keep you involved by showing just enough improvement to give you hope until utterly fucking up and then apologizing in a lab endless cycle.

Guy B, I messed that up. I loved who this person was, his passion, work ethic, self confidence, his drive to not just make money like guy A (who worked in a job for his wealthy parents), guy B actually wanted to make a positive difference is the community and ended up beyond successful, like I knew he would. We’re talking tough guy with a reputation, known by everyone on campus bc of a sport, but actually a really genuine sweet funny caring person who’s close with their family when they let you in. I had played cat and mouse with guy B all of college, being flirty at first then ending up friends, which eventually lead to hooking up and staying the night at his place on weekends. I ended it bc I freaked out when we got abck from summer break bc I was scared I was going to end up hurt so I told him I was into someone else. For a split second he looked so utterly shocked and confused but of course played it off like he didn’t care. And then it was over. We weren’t as friendly after that and he basically ignored me in class, but when saw each other around at the bars and he was tipsy or drunk he’d still flirt with me like before. He also helped me out with a personal request (something to benefit someone in a community) and went beyond what I thought he would do, which didn’t surprise me knowing what kind of guy he is.

I saw guy B one more time after college when I traveled to where he was for work and he was great and we stayed together, but after knowing I had ruined it once I thought I’d give it a shot so I didn’t regret anything. I asked him over text when I got back home a few days later and we were talking if there was any chance of a relationship, and he politely said at this point he was just trying to establish his career he didn’t want to be in a relationship but he considered me a friend. Yeah- totally over. From there we never really text again, he liked a few of my posts after that but eventually unfollowed me when he got a girlfriend, and now it’s been like 6 years.

Looking back now I regret with Guy B not being confident enough to actually see it through when it was something I had wanted for years due to fear of rejection. I had been vulnerable enough to open up and tell him how genuinely I felt about him. Like, we’re talking pool day drinking, summer time buzz, crying emotionally sitting in his bed saying how much I like him not bc because of the shallow reasons he’s popular on campus but bc it deep personal reasons. But to go from having a passionate heart to heart conversation and sleeping over without sex to abruptly ending things when you get back from summer for “someone else”, I can see why it would have changed his opinion of me as it makes me look shallow and not genuine and if I were him I wouldn’t have ever thought of me the same again either.

I try to apply the practice of taking one good thing from every experience so our hurt isn’t for nothing and we can always keep growing.

My lessons I learned from two opposite people that deeply impacted my young life are these; that loving the idea of who you hope someone can become is not being in love with that person. When you’re lucky enough to meet someone, which they say happens a handful of times in our lives, who you truly admire and are in awe of in every aspect, who can cause your body to feel electric inside, waves of euphoria pulsing through each organ and every tissue fiber; making even the atoms occupying the space between them start to dance- that kind of love stays with you in a way you can’t explain. To know someone who is everything to you is magic, and to dream of who you hope someone becomes is like getting stuck on a marry go round.

I thought I loved guy A and gave it my everything and he broke my heart but my heart healed and I got closure.

I realized I loved guy B looking back and due to my fear pushing him away I was left with wondering what would have happened and regret, which was miserable.