I've done a lot of wrong things, I am a horrible human being lol. Or, there is a couple of people involved, and then everyone else don't get it. I don't want to change for the better, I want to be left alone. I have addiction, and it's hard for others to be around. idk. And then I want someone bc I am always alone. And I do it in the wrong way. I wish I could go back in time and ask for help - but I have 0 trust in other people. I don't think I can improve. I think I am stuck being the way I am, pretty much trapped in my own body. I have nowhere to run. The person I wanted to know, I cut contact with them too, bc I was shamed. I wouldn't even say my life is ruined, I just have nothing going for me, and I am very lonely. I am stuck in my job and the place I live, and while I love it here, I hate that I have trouble getting along with other people. I dropped out of school in grade 9, because of bullying and probably autism, - I struggle socially, and have been isolated for long enough where I don't even function.

I have been to therapy (once a week, for years), but it doesn't help. I have very low self esteem. But other people don't see that, they don't understand why I am the way I am or why I let myself fall so low as I have. It feels like I am in hell. I have nothing to offer the world. I hope that things will improve but I don't see how.